Gender Struggles and Acceptance

[sullen crow]

Everyone calls me genderfluid nowadays, and maybe I am. I switched gender identity every few days to a month at a time. But I don't want to constantly switch my gender as it is very confusing to me. I want to stay as one single gender my entire life, but I am pulled in all sort of directions. For example, I like the idea of being beautiful and wearing dresses, but I much rather prefer having a man's name over a woman's name. I also love presenting as a man, but I keep on wishing that I could be a woman. I am all over the place and can't make heads or tails about it. Please help!

[inner sentinel]

The best thing to do is take your time and see which one you enjoy the most. If not, it's perfectly fine to be in between! You can wear dresses and make-up but also have a male name. There's no harm in it! Also I'm here to talk if you need ❤️

[sullen crow]

The wild thing is that shortly after I made this post I had an existential crisis over the fact that I wasn't born as a woman. So I guess I figured it out in the end.

[inner sentinel]

Oh I see

[sullen crow]

Hey! I would still like to take you up on your offer. Mainly because I like making new friends and also because I would love to learn more about trans mascs and trans men due to how often you lovely folk gets erased from the general consciousness.

[inner sentinel]

Ah hello! I'd love to be friends. Also I'm not TOO used to any kind of discrimination cause I'm not out to a lot of people yet but I still get anxious about it

[sullen crow]

Tell me about it. I worry every day about being caught and mistreated, and I have a support system that is supportive of me.

May I ask about your experience as a trans masc individual? What do you like about masculinity? What do you appreciate as a trans masc individual?

[inner sentinel]

Well I just like feeling like a guy. Not that it happens often because I dont pass but I enjoy hearing people refer to me as a guy and use my pronouns correctly. The first time hearing it was the best moment of my life.

[sullen crow]

Well, you are very cool my dude.

[sullen crow]

Can I just say that I am lowkey kind of jealous that trans men like you enjoy being men? It freaking pains me every single time I try to force myself to act and think like a man, but I am more than happy to see that trans masc people celebrate their masculinity.

I do want to emphasize that I do not want to be a man anymore. I literally had a mental crisis two days ago thinking that I am stuck as a man. I truly hate being one, and wish by all gods that I could just not be that.

I assume that you feel the same way when it comes to the reverse, right? That you can't handle being a woman when your heart tells you that you are a man, correct?

[inner sentinel]

Yeah that's correct. So I know exactly what that pain feels like

[inner sentinel]

Aw thank you you do as well

[sullen crow]

Hi again! I want to ask what masculinity means to you? How do you view yourself as a man?

[inner sentinel]

Ummm I'm not completely sure how to answer that lol but to me masculinity means being viewed as a male by other people and being able to do things that a guy would naturally do. Being able to have masculine hairstyles and clothing just feels amazing (though I'm waiting a while to get my hair cut). When I fully transition, I am hoping to be a regular at my local gym and maybe even start on tiktok to show my journey to being who I truly want to be.

[sullen crow]

Oh... I was just asking because I am in the process of figuring myself out a bit more. Kind of questioning my gender once again.

[inner sentinel]

Oh I see. It's fine to just take your time and experiment with both or like I said, you can always be in between :)

[sullen crow]

I just don't know where my heart is going right now. I had a crash-out last Saturday over the fact that I wasn't a woman, but I have noticed that I wish more and more often to stay as a man. So very confusing.

Gender is a mess for me.