Struggling with thoughts about women and love

[north latch]

I don't know if this is the right place to talk about this, but I need some advice from you lovely folks about it. You see, I am constantly thinking about women. It is more than just wanting to be one too, because whenever I think about the possibility of dating and marrying someone my first thought always ends up centering around my attraction to other women. Yet somehow I get angry and frustrated over it? Like I don't want to be into other women, and yet I kept on thinking and thinking about the fact that I am indeed into them? I had attempted to be into men before, especially when I still identified as a man, but I could not get into it because my thoughts always went back towards women. Now whenever I think about other women, I am either upset or angry over the possibility of being into them and I just want to let go of that hatred/disgust. Can someone help me sort out my feelings so that I don't have to be upset about the idea of dating women anymore?

[marble snow]

First off all, why do you get angry and frustrated? It's not like it's a bad thing to be into women

[north latch]

Because I wanted to be into men so hard. Like I really enjoy the idea of being into men, whether it is as a gay man or as a trans woman, but I simply can't. It feels hollow and empty, especially when I have a little voice in the back of my head telling me that I am only into women. On top of that, for the longest time I kind of hated the idea of being a trans woman to the point that every time I see a beautiful woman I immediately wanted to be just like her. So I just wanted to separate myself from the idea of womanhood altogether.

[summer thunder]

Well u can't really change what gender you're attracted to so you kinda just gotta accept you like girls. Not a bad thing.

[frosty berry]

Do you per chance see it as a masculine trait to like women? It would explain why you don't like it. That has also nothing to do with sexism, if it's something subconscious.

[north latch]

Possibly. I really just don't like being perceived as a straight man.

[marble snow]

Could it be possible that being straight is not an option for your brain because you have bad experiences with it? (e.g. homophobia by you/others?)

[north latch]

I tried many times to be with a woman, but every single time it felt awkward and embarrassing to be with one especially with my gender identity struggles. I feel like no woman would ever want to be with me because of my struggles with not only my gender but also with depression and anxiety. In my own opinion, why would anyone want to date a trans woman with depression and anxiety?

My mind also keeps thinking about wanting to have sex whenever I try to date a woman, and it hurts so badly because I know that no woman would want to be seen like that. Heck, I do not want to be seen like that. I really do not want to perpetrate any negative experiences to another woman because they deserve to be treated with kindness and respect like any other person.

[north latch]

Sorry if I did not answer your question very well. I do not know how to properly answer your question.

I swear that I never said or displayed any homophobic things to another person. However I have seen homophobia on the internet. It usually pops up after transphobia.

The only bad experience I had was that there was one time I dated a woman who was a gold star lesbian. While she was okay with me being a trans woman, she did not like or wanted to date any bisexual women solely because they are interested in men too. At the time I called myself bisexual because I was trying to figure myself out, and it tore me up inside trying to fit myself into her worldview.

I guess in hindsight I did have one negative experience with another woman.

[frosty berry]

You are not less of a woman for liking or being attracted to other women.

And feeling conflicted about this because of your own struggles with identity is valid and understandable. It doesn't make you homophobic. At least in my opinion.

Also think that there's no reason to overthink so much. You'll find the right person, I'm sure of that. And that means you'll find someone who doesn't care wether your trans or not, wether you have anxiety, or depression or whatever. Because that person will accept you the way you are.

[marble snow]

I agree completely. It might take some time, but I believe that everyone can find someone if they really want to.

[north latch]

Thanks for telling me this. I really appreciate it, as I thought that there was something wrong with me.

[frosty berry]

No, there absolutely isn't.

And you're welcome