Just waking up taking a shower and I already think about how I got harassed as a kid. The thing is, I wasn't insulted nor beaten daily, but I was left alone. It was the kind of harassment that adults don't label as such, the "we don't want to play with you" one. I have lived through it my entire life, from my move to a new town in 2nd grade up until the end of college, and I feel like it continues right now with my colleagues and friend groups.
The story is always the same: I put myself into a group (no one has ever come to me to be friends, somehow I have to do all the effort), things go well for a while or at least it seems so, then quickly I am left out of events, I spend more and more time apart from the group, I have trouble following the conversations, until I feel completely rejected and am forced out of the group.
I don't know what I do that repulses people. I have tried to ask them but all I got was weird looks, like it should be obvious why they don't like me. I would rather you call me a slur than say nothing! I am stuck with these thoughts now and it kills me to not be able to remember the conversations I have had with people. Maybe I am a terrible friend and they were right to push me away. This I will never know.
Now that I have a job I struggle to maintain any friendship. My friends don't contact me, my old colleagues/friends do stuff between them without me, my new colleagues act as if I don't exist because I struggle to join in on their conversations at lunch (they talk about work even during break it's honestly exhausting). I don't want to live like this again.
#Insidious harassment thoughts
honest summit
lone gale
People overlook leaving kids alone/ neglecting kids, because it doesn’t seem as bad as abuse, but it is. I’m so sorry that that happened. I too get left out a lot, and it gives me this feeling of grief and that I am the problem. but you are NOT the problem here. You don’t repulse people, and you should not be treated me like that I promise you aren’t a bad friend. I may not know you at all, and i know that i keep restating the same thing, but im here to help if you’d like. Though you feel left out of things, please PLEASE do not give up. you are so strong for living through all of this and im so proud of you. (also im sorry im really bad w words and comforting people!) I hope you have a great day, and i hope people start seeing what an amazing person you are!! <3
honest summit
Thank you for your kind message 
I don't know honestly it just feels so exhausting to always be the one to start social things and see that it falls flat eventually. Or wanting to join a group but face my inability to enter conversations (due to various circumstances, sometimes it's just due to the loud noise at the canteen and I can't hear people that sit 1 seat apart from me T_T)
My husband helped me realize and work on a lot of my flaws, so I'm wondering how I was perceived when I was young and clueless about everything. I thought for a long time that I was hated for being the first of the class who is excited about school work, and/or for being tall. But I remember some events where I was being the AH, and I know that I often sound angry or condescending when I really don't mean it, so I can't help but re-thinking my old behavior which I have no memory of.