ive been struggling with loneliness, social anxiety amplified by autism and just major depression, I feel like i was just born with a shitty brain that gives me no motivation to fix anything, and the only thing i care about at all in life is being a people pleaser. Ive tried around 6 different anti-depressants, ive gone to treatment facilities for depression, hell ive even tried TMS (magnets that mess with your brain waves to treat depression). I feel like i have no control over my motivation or my future and i just exist as a zombie hoping that one day everything goes away so i dont dissapoint my parents or siblings who are honestly the only reason i live at this point.
The only thing i feel i have any control over is relationships and finding a partner, unfortunately the one and only partner i ever had was a long time good friend (still to this day even after breaking up) who just said that they couldnt find a way to love me anymore, which hurt me quite alot and just made relationships feel like one more thing i cant control. I just recently turned 18 so the part of me wanting to improve for my family has been wanting me to try and find someone new but after spending my entire life pushing away people in real life and isolating online, 1. I feel like i would be doing a future partner a disservice by being with them and 2. im super uncomfortable putting myself out in places, whether its online or in person (just venting in a public discord is new and uncomfortable to me) so i dont even know how to find the right person, let alone any person.
#I feel so weak
tawdry pelican
big wall of text but if you read it, thanks for caring lol