I honestly might just end it all.

[ivory tartan]

I get it like "Oh no, don't do that. It's bad". So what? I get told so many times that my thoughts aren't real and they get treated like a grain of salt.. and if I say that they're as real as the scars on my wrists? They reply with "You just cut fur attention".. I'm tired of this.. I'm tired of getting tossed to the curb like the piece of worthless trash I am. My parents ridicule me fur being atheist instead of christian and they constantly badger me.. I've been told to just commit so many times because of who I was as a purrson. IE, a furry, LGBT and Atheist. I'm tired of myself not being enough...even when I change to fit people's needs, it's not enough! It NEVER is! I've been more stressed and I'm tired.. I can't sleep because I keep having repetitive nightmares.. I can't tell people in my family, because they won't believe me. I just can't anymore . "But you have so much to live fur".. Is that so? Well, not really.. I feel like they'd be better off without me.
I mean.. I am just not worth the trouble.. I never am.. I've been the top 3 reason fur 3 s--cides, and the guilt is so damn heavy.. I can't take it..
I'm sorry..
Bye y'all, take care. 🫶🏼

[misty monolith]

Pls don't do this, I know how you feel, I'm going through the exact same thing as you. You have so many people that care abt you and you don't know it

[ivory tartan]

As true as that may be, it's best if I leave them. If I stay, I just hurt them over and over again.. it's really the best thing.

I don't want to hurt more people.

[misty monolith]

Pls

Just don't, Im going though that too

So many people care about you and just haven't found them yet

[ivory tartan]

Then what's the point of searching fur people I don't know when a more simple solution is present fur me to do?

[misty monolith]

Im going through what your going through, I know and I care

[ivory tartan]

Then I apologize, because I'm not worth caring about.

[misty monolith]

You are

[ivory tartan]

How?

Like seriously, how?

[misty monolith]

You are a live being, your feelings are valid

[ivory tartan]

That does not make me worth it.

[gloomy fjord]

You're worth alot

[ivory tartan]

John Wayne Gacy was a human, does that make him worth it?

[misty monolith]

You are worth more than you think

[gloomy fjord]

Even if you can't see it you are worth more than you know

[ivory tartan]

Stalin was a human, does that make him worth it?

H_tler was a human, does that make him worth it?

NO!

I'm not either.

[misty monolith]

They might not but you ARE

[gloomy fjord]

Humans are complicated beings everyone makes horrible decisions but every single human is worth something

[misty monolith]

exactly

[ivory tartan]

Then consider this my "horrible" decision that I make as a purrson.

[misty monolith]

Pls...

Don't end it

[gloomy fjord]

Don't

[misty monolith]

Pls I CARE

I UNDERSTAND

[gloomy fjord]

I love your music and without you there wouldn't be anymore songs. you pour every ounce of emotion into them, hoping that someone will hear your plea. please don't end it

[misty monolith]

Pls....

[ivory tartan]

Then do you understand why I want to and why I should end it?

[misty monolith]

I understand why

But you shouldn't

I'm going through the same thing

[ivory tartan]

There still would be songs. It's not like I'm some sort of special song maker that made a hit single.

[gloomy fjord]

Not your songs

[ivory tartan]

My songs are dog sh_t!

[gloomy fjord]

No they're not

[misty monolith]

They are not

Pls

Don't do it

[ivory tartan]

It doesn't matter if I put emotion in to them. People listen to them, but so what? It's not life changing, it's just another sad song sung by some random dude.

It's all the same.

[misty monolith]

You have talent

I most certainly can't write a song

[gloomy fjord]

Your songs are very touching to me. I can feel the pain in them.

[misty monolith]

My vocab is bad

You have talent other ppl don't have

[ivory tartan]

It is not physically possible to feel pain in music.

[gloomy fjord]

I can feel the pain in your voice

[gloomy fjord]

It's possible

[ivory tartan]

I use a rhyme platfurm at a 13 y/o PC to make them. That's not talent.

[ivory tartan]

..

Go to my channel and go to the description and read it very carefully.

[gloomy fjord]

Well the AI has pain in it's voice

[ivory tartan]

You can't hear the pain in my voice, because it's impossible to hear my voice in the furst place.

[gloomy fjord]

and it seems like it's mask of happiness is breaking, just like yours

[ivory tartan]

AI has no emotion.
It is incapable of feeling.
It can mimic emotions, but it can't feel them or express them

[ivory tartan]

I just buy a new one at Walmart, don't worry.

[misty monolith]

Do you have anything that brings you joy

[gloomy fjord]

No, like the human mask of happiness people in pain wear when near others.

[ivory tartan]

Blood.

[misty monolith]

.

[ivory tartan]

Knowing I'm going to die.

It sets my mind at ease, because I know damn well that I can't hurt people once I die.

[gloomy fjord]

You better only die due to old age

[misty monolith]

.

Pls.

Don't...

It's not worth it

Your only 15

[ivory tartan]

People don't die to old age.
They die due to complications of old age.
Since they are more likely to succumb to illness.

[ivory tartan]

So?

[misty monolith]

I know I can't predict the future but I'm sure things will get better

[ivory tartan]

I've been hearing that fur a year, bud.

[misty monolith]

Then I'm sorry...

[ivory tartan]

Why apologize fur something that is not your fault but simply all mine?

[gloomy fjord]

You're too young to commit.. what about the older version of you? he wouldn't even breathe if you commit.. and what about having your first alcoholic beverage at a bar or party? You'd most likely never taste it. and what about your family? they'd be devastated

[misty monolith]

Yeah pls don't do it

[ivory tartan]

I've already been drunk to suppress emotions. What older version of me though? There can't be one if I die early. Also, I don't care. My family shakes off my problems anyway and calls them fake.

[misty monolith]

People care about you...

[gloomy fjord]

...

[ivory tartan]

I don't see why that should matter? If I stick around, I hurt them. I RUIN THEIR LIFE! Why else did 2 people commit because of me? HMM?

[ivory tartan]

Precisely.

[gloomy fjord]

You're not hurting me. If you stick around then it'd be better for some people. You haven't ruined mine. They most likely committed due to more things too, not just you.

[misty monolith]

I CARE...

[gloomy fjord]

And I do too.

[ivory tartan]

I'm sorry..

I'm sorry.. Okay?

[misty monolith]

It's not your fault, don't apologize

[gloomy fjord]

Don't be sorry. It's not your fault.

[ivory tartan]

It's my fault...
It is my fault..

[misty monolith]

It's not

[gloomy fjord]

No, it's not

[ivory tartan]

How?

Just how?

[misty monolith]

You didn't do anything, everyone else's fault for treating you like this

[gloomy fjord]

agreed

@ivory tartan Please don't commit

[misty monolith]

And the people that treat you like $h1t can all go to H3LL

[ivory tartan]

I don't know what to do anymore..

[teal flume]

Please don't!

[gloomy fjord]

And your family need to actually help, and if they don't then they can go fuck themselves (except the ones that care abt you [if there are any])

[misty monolith]

There's a light at the end of the tunnel, there's a end to night

[ivory tartan]

I like the night, it hides away all the problems infront of me with the shroud of darkness.

That way I don't have to face them.

[misty monolith]

The people that don't care can go to hell and fuck themselves

[gloomy fjord]

There's always and end to a river, you, @ivory tartan just need to get out of the boat of su!c!d3 in time. (the river is his life)

[ivory tartan]

I'm jumping in the river to drown.

[gloomy fjord]

The river can't make you drown

[ivory tartan]

Or to get stuck in a current, beaten against rocks and torn against the roughness.

[misty monolith]

I I'll be there to save you

[gloomy fjord]

There's no current either

[ivory tartan]

Then I'll just grab the emergency flare and go out with a bang and a flash of bright colours.

[gloomy fjord]

You forgot to bring your tools

[ivory tartan]

Then I'll crash the ship.

[gloomy fjord]

The ship can crash, but you won't die

[misty monolith]

You will live

[ivory tartan]

I'll just snap my neck.

[gloomy fjord]

...

D

O

N

T

[ivory tartan]

You never said that it's not allowed or not possible.

I found a solution to your fascinating saying.

[misty monolith]

Pls

[gloomy fjord]

I ran out of ideas

[misty monolith]

Dont

[gloomy fjord]

I am sorry.. but don't die

[misty monolith]

We care

[gloomy fjord]

just stay alive

[gloomy fjord]

I do

and that would be enough

[misty monolith]

We all care

There is so many people that care about your feelings

[ivory tartan]

I've answered this the same way... over... and over...

[gloomy fjord]

I really don’t know everything you’re going through. But what I do know is that your pain is valid, and it doesn’t mean you have to disappear

"So what?" Is not a good answer

[ivory tartan]

I know people care about me, but I don't see why that should matter. I hurt the people close to me and I make them feel like shit. I can't seem to do anything right with them without making them hate me.

[misty monolith]

They should feel like shit bc the way they treat you

[ivory tartan]

Disappearing is a good thing. I won't be able to harm people anymore.

[gloomy fjord]

Wanting to end that pain doesn’t mean you want to die. It usually means you want the pain to stop

[gloomy fjord]

Then try to be close but not too close so you can't hurt them

And you don’t know how else to make that happen

[misty monolith]

You don't hurt them, they hurt you

[ivory tartan]

That's like me bringing a gun to a knife fight. It will still hurt them from far distance.

[gloomy fjord]

Disappearing isn't good, missing kids get searched for, and runaway old people get searched for too. People will search for you

[gloomy fjord]

The version of you that wants to give up is not the only voice inside you. There’s also the version of you who came here, wrote this, asked questions, told your story, stayed alive

[ivory tartan]

I know there's multiple version of me. I have at least 3 voices in my head, each go with their own purrsonality.. some days I act more like one and the next, I act like the other.

I also have a 4th voice in my head, that is currently trying to claw his way back to power, but failing.

[gloomy fjord]

... what is this one named?

[gloomy fjord]

Can you tell me more about your three versions/voices within you? What do they say to you? I’m interested

[ivory tartan]

Uhhh, I named him Sparkles. :D

Because he's so happy all the time. 🤮

[languid valve]

Please don't. I've attempted multiple times and the guilt of even trying is hard on me. We met a bit ago and you're already one of my closest friends. I really look forward to maybe making a song together. I know this probably doesn't help but you're one of the few people I enjoy talking to. Your nice and funny. You're sweet and kind. You are a great person and I can gladly say you're a good friend. Don't care about what people think, like I genuinely think that whatever they say about you is BS. You're a cool person and an even better friend. I hate your parents for saying any of that and I really hope you move out as soon as possible (I have no say about whether or not you do that but that's my opinion)

[gloomy fjord]

happiness is better than the bad

[ivory tartan]

I guess.. I will in DM's.

[ivory tartan]

No, not really.

It makes me less careful about my surroundings.

[gloomy fjord]

It is.

[ivory tartan]

More clumsy and I act more a fool.

[gloomy fjord]

Love made me act like a fool, i still believe it's better that bad emotions

[misty monolith]

Pls I care I understand, pls see my point you are a person with valid feelings you matter don't give up, you are creative, kind, funny, sweet, a good person you matter, we all have flaws and no one is perfect but you have worth

[ivory tartan]

I have less worth than any other human being.

[gloomy fjord]

You're worth more than you know

[ivory tartan]

Is this a Disney movie?

Life isn't a Disney movie, friend. It's not a cake walk.

[gloomy fjord]

No, but it truly did

[languid valve]

No you don't. You have more worth than almost everybody I know.

[misty monolith]

Hate has 4 letter but so does love, enemies has 7 letters but so does friends, so choose the better side of it- a wise person

[ivory tartan]

My worth is as big as a tardigrade.

[misty monolith]

Your worth is bigger than that

[ivory tartan]

A slightly bigger tardigrade.

[gloomy fjord]

i agree with @misty monolith

[gloomy fjord]

How about...

a meteor

like a huge af one

[ivory tartan]

Micrometeorite.

[gloomy fjord]

no

[misty monolith]

A googleplex plus 100000000000000000 to the power of 10000000000000000000000 to the power of infinity bigger than that

[ivory tartan]

Divided by 10.

[gloomy fjord]

no

[ivory tartan]

Divided by itself.

Minus 2.

[misty monolith]

Divided by nothing

[gloomy fjord]

and minus nothing

[ivory tartan]

How about multiplied?

Can I say it was multiplied by zero?

[gloomy fjord]

more than 1

[ivory tartan]

I'm just going to go and I'll message y'all tomorrow when I can, aight? Around my noon(I'm in central time)

[misty monolith]

Ok

[ivory tartan]

Thank you all, you mean the world. 🫶🏼

[gloomy fjord]

You mean more than jupiter

[misty monolith]

Your welcome, but you mean more than the universe, thank you for at least understanding your worth

[ivory tartan]

@misty monolith @gloomy fjord, I'm still standing.

[gloomy fjord]

Yay!

Good job for not succumbing to the thoughts!

[ivory tartan]

Thanks fur the help. <3