#TW: mental stuff that I have no clue what it is

90 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

grizzled star
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I don’t know what is wrong with me. I think I am not real anymore and like I’m watching from the back of my own mind. At the same time, I feel like the feeling isn’t real and that I’m imagining it, but life moves too quickly and too slow and light distorts and nothing is real. Is it? I don’t know what’s happening with me anymore. It’s like I’m not even me. I see me, I hear me speaking, but am I me? I don’t recognize me or how I look. I can’t imagine my face. There’s too much of me to be me and I’m pulled in too many directions. Like what’s even the point of life if nothing is real? If I’m only living through what feels like a stranger’s memories? I hate this and don’t want to do this anymore but I know I will. I know I have shit to do and can’t give up because no one else will do that shit so I gotta. But goddamn I hate it. Sometimes I wish I could experience shit as myself instead of in the passenger seat to an unknown driver. It goes on for months and then stops, and then a little while later, I’m back trapped behind the glass again. Please. I need to know I’m not insane. That I’m not crazy. Because what if I am?

spice gorge
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Nothing is wrong with you! Your perfect just the way you are, but some people just dont know it yet!

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people care about you!

earnest falcon
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That sounds like heavy dissociation and more specifically depersonalisation or derealisation.

grizzled star
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spice gorge
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earnest falcon
# grizzled star Oh

That can happen due to a mental disconnect, when life gets too hard and is a protective mechanism of the brain.

grizzled star
earnest falcon
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it does mean you're not insane

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and it can happen to quite everyone

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In fact around 70% of the population experience it at least once in their lifetime. Though for most it only lasts a few hours.
In general what you need to do is trying to minimise stress and start feeling safe in your body again, which is probably easier said than done.

grizzled star
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I mean, I try, but even when I’m not stressed anymore it still happens. It lasts for months. I’m not stressed and then I’m still not me. Not for a really long time. Even when I try to ground myself… and I can’t get a therapist either, but I know I probably should have one…

earnest falcon
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yes, a therapist sounds like a good idea. There are a bunch of possible grounding techniques out there that you could look up theoretically.

Unfortunately some people are more prone to dissociation than others. That's one factor. The second is that you sometimes won't perceive something as stressful that does stress out your brain. Examples are: not enough sleep, not enough food, not enough water, overstimulation (sensory) etc etc

grizzled star
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Ohhhhhhhh. So basically if some basic care things that are easy to make hard become hard, my brain perceives it as a threat, and I basically just leave this realm for a couple months and lowkey just forget I exist?

earnest falcon
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could happen, yes.
Especially if your brain learned it as the number one coping mechanism

grizzled star
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I guess in eight years (counting grad school) I’ll figure out how to reverse this when I have a real career and real money to pay for my own therapy

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Thank you for all your help. I appreciate it.

earnest falcon
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you're welcome

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In general it's learning to take care of yourself, to minimise the perceived need for it and also learning new coping mechanisms.
Like eating, when it's needed. Drinking water when it's needed. Sleeping when it's needed. Finding outlets for emotional stress etc

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and of course grounding techniques as well. It's a lot harder having to do it alone, but it's possible.
I also struggle with a dissociative disorder ^^'

grizzled star
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I had a therapist a few years ago and she basically told me my experience wasn’t real or valid.

grizzled star
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The thing is, I can’t identify that stuff. I can’t feel temperature, I can’t tell when I’m thirsty until my voice begins getting raspy, I don’t know if I’m hungry because my metabolism is all messed up because I used to overeat and then undereat consistently for years.

earnest falcon
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grizzled star
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The first time I remember identifying this experience was when I was around six or seven (I’m sixteen, almost seventeen now, for reference). When I told my mom, she shut it down. When I told her earlier this year again, she said that they’d need to put me on anti-psychotics if what I said was true and so I shouldn’t mention it anymore. So I’m stuck until I get my own REAL income and REAL career.

earnest falcon
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grizzled star
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earnest falcon
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I believe in you /gen

grizzled star
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Thank you. I believe in you too. I really appreciate all your help.

earnest falcon
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of course and thank you

grizzled star
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Of course. If I have questions later, can I DM you? Or no?

earnest falcon
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I'm not a minor and would like to not interact so much with minors in private for my own safety tbh
very sorry

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I've seen some shit and allegations and even though I don't say you're like this, I'm just afraid of possible consequences. Is that okay?
If anything is up again and you need mental health advise, feel free to ping me here though

grizzled star
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Okay! That makes sense!

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Thank you!

earnest falcon
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of course ^^

grizzled star
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I appreciate all you have done so far.

earnest falcon
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of course. It's the least I can do

grizzled star
# earnest falcon of course. It's the least I can do

I have a question… is it possible for this to be some type of dissociative identity disorder without the amnesia bit? Because I feel like I experience shifts in identity and personality but I don’t experience any amnesia, but I don’t know if I’m insane or trying to be something I’m not.

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Sorry, I know you said you prefer not to talk to minors as much

earnest falcon
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I prefer not to talk in private with minors. This is a server with thousands of people who are witnessing conversations. So you're good ^^
And I'm pretty sure it's not DID, just given the symptoms. I don't know you irl and can't really see, if you behaved any differently. But it's absolutely not DID, if it's without amnesia. There are system types with low amnesia, but those don't qualify as DID and don't fall under the same term.

It is quite common for depersonalization to feel like it's not you. It's something I struggle with myself. For example it may feel like your voice is not yours. Or if you're just watching someone else move your body from above.

After all I'm not an expert, so I'd say consulting a therapist might be best /gen

If you want, I can give you some criteria for DID nevertheless though.

grizzled star
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Okay, I don’t think it’s really DID, but now I’ve done a little bit of research but not much because I don’t really want a family member to find it on my search history, so I’d appreciate it if you did…

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I was also thinking maybe OSDD but I don’t really know because I’m no expert and won’t get any real help for a long time and I could possibly be overreacting a bit

earnest falcon
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Alright ^^
So, the difference between OSDD and DID. The main criteria of DID are 1) two or more different/separate identity states and 2) amnesia between the states. OSDD means four types of dissociative disorders. In a system context people often mean OSDD 1, as it means "not meeting the full criteria of DID". There are two subtypes (made up by the community rather than professionals): 1a and 1b. For both one of the criteria is missing.

OSDD 1b: you have two or more identity states, but no amnesia between the states. If you say you don't have amnesia, this would be more likely. However: ask yourself: do you feel like there's an entirely separate being in your head? An alter thinks differently from you, acts differently and feels differently. They have different morals and they also see themselves as their own person. Which means that you don't know how they feel or what they think. You can't predict how they act. And they don't just take over when your brain is stressed. They take over in normal situations as well. It will feel like you're being forcefully controlled. It's not an "I don't care what's happening to the body, I just watch it react". It's more like: "I don't want to befriend this person! I hate them. I wanna insult them! Why does my mouth say nice things? Why is my body so relaxed around them? I don't want this!". Plus it includes horrific childhood trauma and an onset of symptoms already as a child.

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OSDD 1a
You have amnesia between parts of yourself who are essentially you but as different versions of yourself. For example in the role as the loving mother or the vengeful teen or whatever. But you do have amnesia between those parts of yourself.

grizzled star
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I guess that makes sense. I don’t know if I necessarily had horrific childhood trauma (I definitely did have some trauma but I don’t think it’d qualify as horrific) but I know I have been experiencing disassociation since I was very young.

earnest falcon
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There are a lot of dissociative disorders or those who can cause dissociation. Such as

  • DID
  • OSDD 1
  • OSDD 2 (developing similar symptoms as someone with DID due to extreme physical abuse)
  • OSDD 3 (amnesia and heavy dissociation due to a traumatic event. Usually right when the event happens)
  • OSDD 4 (trance)
  • depersonalization (detachment from one's own body to the point you feel like it's not your body/voice/life)
  • derealization (life doesn't feel real, nothing feels real, everything is just a dream)
  • dissociative CPTSD
  • structural dissociation with parts
  • borderline can cause heavy dissociation
  • dissociative seizures
  • dissociative movement disorder

And those are just a few

grizzled star
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I see. That’s a lot. I suppose I’ll keep this in mind, but I also probably shouldn’t focus too much on a diagnosis until I am in a position where I can really get a diagnosis (if I even want one, I might decide it doesn’t matter and it’s not worth it)

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I don’t know why I was focusing on a diagnosis, or searching up too much but I really appreciate you giving me this information.

earnest falcon
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You're welcome ^^
And yes, it's more important to manage the symptoms and what bothers you than having a label. You are who you are with or without a label or diagnosis ^^

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I should probably go to bed, as it is 2 am on my side. But I might answer tomorrow, if you have more questions.

grizzled star
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Oh wow, sleep well! Thank you so much for all your help!

earnest falcon
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You're welcome ^^

grizzled star
# earnest falcon You're welcome ^^

Hey, I lowkey disappeared for two weeks and it’s okay if you don’t wanna answer this… but is it normal for disassociation to just make me lose my memory sometimes?

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It’s like, I don’t know how else to describe it. But a few times a day, I’ll just be like “oh what’s happening?” And like I’ll literally forget who I am and how I got there for a hot second and it takes me a good like five minutes to remind myself of my life and existence.

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And like, yeah I’ve experienced it for a while… I just didn’t really think about it before about how it could be related to disassociation possibly

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Honestly, it’s more than a little disorienting 😅

earnest falcon
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Oh, yeah, that can happen! I actually experience it too 🥲 idk if I've mentioned that before or not though.

So forgetting small informations every now and then is something that can happen to normal people with non-disordered dissociation as well. Dissociation is btw not always a sign of a disorder and is to a degree normal, for example when the brain needs a break. Most common experience is to zone out while being in a vehicle and not remembering the way or how time passed.

For disordered dissociation more memories can be impacted. Like forgetting important conversations or faces. It is not a black-out in the DID way, because often you experienced the conversation and forgot afterwards. And it will take someone else to remind you for you to know what happened.

The next thing that can occur are memory wipes. This is what I experience and is honestly quite scary. I will forget my name, age, past days, weeks, months or even years. It is disorienting, as you said, to say the very least. I don't know myself yet what kind of dissociative disorder this falls under tbh. Consulting a therapist might be best.

It is also possible that whole years get erased from memories due to trauma. Most of the time this affects childhood memories.

The last form of this is "forgetting" something in the DID kind of way. Like before it is also forgetting key personal information. But most of the time it is accompanied by blackouts and you don't have access to the memory of having forgotten something.

The disordered way of forgetting something due to dissociation is called "dissociative amnesia".

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And sorry for the late reply. I'm not doing well lately and am too dissociated to form complex or coherent thoughts most of the time.

grizzled star
earnest falcon
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Of course ^^
I hope it helps :)

grizzled star
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It does!

grizzled star
# earnest falcon Of course ^^ I hope it helps :)

I'm sorry, I don't mean to bother you, but my disassociation is getting much worse by the day. And it normally does get worse the longer it goes on, so it's not like it's anything new. But I'm so out of it, and it's just pushing me so so so so deep. I don't know what to do anymore. sorry. this is [-robaly so stupuid. i just like dont even know anymore. my brain feels like the season is winter, but not pretty winter, like winter where everything is dead and the birds are crowing and its all deserted, the ice-y snow just stacks and piles up, and there's static everyfwerhe nasnd light is imprgringting onto everythifdng and it;s ovbstruvcting the vrwie of anytrening the4at oncer existred

earnest falcon
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It's okay. I was asleep and will respond in a bit. It's okay to ask for help and you're not a bother

grizzled star
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I appreciate that

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I just kinda like, I don't know if this is apart of the disassociation it's summer and yet I'm stuck in a winter storm.

earnest falcon
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I understand
May I ask what makes you think it's dissociation?

grizzled star
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What is?

grizzled star
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Actualy nevermind, I'm sorry. Don't worry about it. Thank you for your willingness to help.

earnest falcon
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Hey
It's okay. I don't exactly understand what you meant with the seasonal stuff tbh.

I'm sorry to hear dissociation is worse. Try to look into grounding techniques and finding out what the trigger for it might be

grizzled star