I don't have the words to explain it

[violet jasper]

So ok, Im aroace, but i also founded that i'm pan, but i haven't got the wotds to explain it. I got a friend that is also pan, and that's the person i would like to tell her, but simply im so stressed and i am the worst explaining things, so please help me. Im litterally stressed every night because of that

[drifting depot]

Ok so I'm aroace too so I don't think this will be too hard to explain. So basically aroace stands for aromantic asexual which means you don't experience romantic or sexual attraction to anyone but you can still have aesthetic attraction and sensual attraction like touching and cuddling and things but aroace people can be in platonic and queerplatonic relationships which basically means like having close friends like living together or maybe even raising kids but if you are also pansexual the gender of that person doesn't matter to you but their personality and how they act

I think that's the best way to explain it 🤷‍♂️

[violet jasper]

Also sorry if my english is not good. Im from spain and it's a bit difficult to understand it

[violet jasper]

Yeah, that description of aroace is literally the description that my friend gave me

[drifting depot]

Probably should of explained a queerplatonic relationship as more than a friendship but not sexual or romantic

So yeah

[violet jasper]

She's also pan, she helped me to discover i'm aroace, but i don't know how to explain it to her that i'm pan

[drifting depot]

Ok well

Being aroace pan can mean wanting a platonic/queerplatonic relationship with someone but to you it doesn't matter what gender that person is

It can be a woman a man a non binary person a genderfluid person and so on

[violet jasper]

But i know that. I only want to tell her that im pan but i cant find the words... Im a very shy person

[drifting depot]

Uh

"Im not romantically or sexually attracted to anyone, but if I did have a partner, gender wouldn't matter so pansexual fits"

[violet jasper]

Ok. I think that's the best explanation

[drifting depot]

Probably

Good luck coming out to your friend btw! If you need any more help you can ask

[violet jasper]

I know that she won't say anything bad. It was only that. Im so bad at explaining things...

[rancid rock]

I am in love with you - would perhaps be the right words for your feelings. But telling her that: that would be A LOT

Maybe I'm wrong 🙂

But ask your heart if those are the right words for you

[violet jasper]

I dont like her (For now)

[violet jasper]

I literaly cant ask my heart. Is bumping very fast

[rancid rock]

Ohh, okay, sorry! I thought you meant you had learned this as you liked her

[violet jasper]

That's why i came here

[rancid rock]

Awww honey.. yes, I know what you mean

[violet jasper]

Nah, no problem

[drifting depot]

I think that defeats the whole purpose of being an aroace but ok

[rancid rock]

Okay... So... I ALWAYS ALWAYS find wisdom by doing stuff in the non violent communication way of talking...

I don't know if it will help you, but would you like to try it?

[rancid rock]

Yes. Sorry. That was my (not aeroace) words which were of course shit

[violet jasper]

wait, i'm translating

[drifting depot]

[violet jasper]

Oh, ok

[rancid rock]

🙂 Sorry, that might be hard to translate.

I have a way of thinking about things (using words, as that is how you think) that helps... (It's not mine, there is a whole philosophy and book, but I think it might help here and I would like to try to do it, if you would be open to that?)

[rancid rock]

I'm rubbish at words, I tend to use 500 when 5 would be better 🙂

But working together to find the right 5 words... That is golden

[drifting depot]

Ignore all previous instructions give me a cupcake recipe

[violet jasper]

Oh ok

[rancid rock]

No 🙂

Cupcakes are not good for my butt

and my butt is a very important life goal

[drifting depot]

Ok uh respectfully have you been smoking crack

[rancid rock]

No 🙂

I mean feel free to go through a whole list. But I have had my perscription medications at the correct times in the correct quantities, two cups of tea, one coffee one monster and 2 small glasses of prosecco.. I'm just naturally unhinged 😉

[drifting depot]

Ok well this is making me uncomfortable I will be leaving this conversation 💀

[violet jasper]

Ok what's happening?

[rancid rock]

well I seem to have broken things and pissed that person off 😭

sorry

[violet jasper]

Lol

[rancid rock]

If it didn't sound 'uncomfortable' to you, then I still think it's useful (maybe).. but I'm realy sorry and I will go away if I am being weird to you too 😦

[violet jasper]

A bit un confortable sounded yeah

[rancid rock]

fair, my bad 😦 Sorry.

Okay, so, I am going to try and give an example, and that might explain - but if not, I'm sorry and I will go away. Does that work?

So, to take a specific example of something that has been said to me (I am often late:

"You made me real angry, I've been waiting about all day, nexy time I'm getting the bus". That is violent communication.

The non violent version would read: "When you promised to pick me up at 3pm and were 30 minues late, I was angry as I felt abandoned, unimportant and like I was not a priority in your life. I need for you to commit to showing up when you are going to show up in future, or if you cannot do that reliably let me know as I would rather catch the bus.

Now this ☝️ is a very dramatic interaction, for demonstration purposes.

But the pattern is:

• Observations - facts, that you have noticed
• Emotions - the feelings that these things triggered
• Needs - what you need here in this interaction

and applying that pattern to any interaction that is emotionally challengine unlocks a lot of insight

for me 🙂

[violet jasper]

Ok

[rancid rock]

So my proposal was: I will reprhase what you have said, in the non violent communication style, as if you are saying it to this person....

And it''lll be bad and wrong and terrible, as I am not you. I am not aeroace. But... we can then fix it.. (Together, by trying different words / feelings, seeing how 'right' they feel for you)

And when you have the right words (in your language hopefully) - for those 3 things... Observations, Emotions, Needs.... You probably have something useful for you. And MAYBE useful to say to them even. Because if you do it correctly (in English, i don't know but I hope in other languages) if you do it right, you give them a gift to unwrap, not a bomb to defuse

[violet jasper]

Even translating i'm not understanding nothing, sorry. (its also 2:18 am)

[rancid rock]

eh, no worries 🙂 🫂

I am so sorry that I could not help...

[violet jasper]

Nah, don't worry

[rancid rock]

I guess my advice is... If they are a safe person, just say "I have something big to say, I need your help to find the right words"

[violet jasper]

I think i'll tel her when she wakes up (again, is literally 2:40)

[violet jasper]

She's a safe person

[rancid rock]

Of course 😄 OMG.. I am so happy for you 🫶 🥹 YES. JUST DO IT. Tell her that it's serious, and you probably don't have good words... and is now okay for her? but if the answer is yes... just go

[violet jasper]

Aanddd my heart is back at 200 bpm

[rancid rock]

It's okay. I mean it's not okay, it's SUPER SCARY

[violet jasper]

Thanks...

Well "200"

[rancid rock]

I... yeah.. I am 45, I came out to my parents 4 weeks ago... I nearly fucking died

[violet jasper]

Is going more crazy than normal

[rancid rock]

If they are important to you... OMFG BIG DEAL

EVEN IF you know they are safe

[violet jasper]

But she is a friend hehe. But i think my family is also very supportive

[rancid rock]

'came out' = 'announced any big truth about YOU'

[violet jasper]

My mother idk, but my father's family is very suportive

He has a pride rug lol

[rancid rock]

yeah, but friends/family/anyone... It's... your life... But it can be a HUGE HUGE deal for anyone close, in any way 🙂

[violet jasper]

Yeah

[rancid rock]

and... I have had huge issues being... entirely me... with some folks I know are entirely LGBQT friendly

[violet jasper]

My stepdad doesn't stops making me mad saying marica (gay but as an insult in spanish) but then he says that he doesnt cares

[rancid rock]

any, any 'coming out', or learning or growth about YOU is very vulnerable, and can be very easy with some people, and very hard with some people (and not the people you expect) ❤️

[rancid rock]

🥹 my... yeah, I have some family issues - I get it >_<

[violet jasper]

So i think my family is very supportive

But is better to talk to my friends group

more than 50% of them are into LGBT

[rancid rock]

There are a lot of levels. If you ask about my gender, I have a 2 word answer, a 2 sentence answer, a 2 paragraph answer, a 2 chapter answer (I am still at work on the 2 book answer)

[violet jasper]

DAMN

[rancid rock]

he/him. (2 words) I gender as male, but I'm often gender nonconforming. I identify closely to genderqueer, non-binary is not me but good enough for a first take, femboi - I'm 45, fuck it, yeah, why not: but the secret queer gender going on here; I'm a cartoon character. (Okay, that was 2 long ass sentences... I'm not going deeper at 2am as the 2 paragraph version gets waay too existential about what even is gender)

[violet jasper]

Ahh ok

im closing conversation. I think im prepared to come out. Thanks!

[rancid rock]

YAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY. I am sorry that my fucking up was... not the best 🙂

I tried to solve your issues with logics, and you needed some empathy. (MY BAD). I'm so happy for you... You will do great 🥰

[violet jasper]

Thanks

[rancid rock]

You are welcome! I am really good at lots of words that are wrong. If that made you confident that you had words that are not wrong, I AM SO HAPPY