#a void

17 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

worldly granite
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I..I don’t know what’s happening to me… like, what’s even wrong with me? it’s like there’s this constant weight pressing down on my chest, but I can’t even tell what it is. just this… endless nothingness... a void. I feel like I just want to be left alone. I’m exhausted, mentally, emotionally, I’m tired.

but I don’t have the courage to end it, so I guess I’ll just keep living like this. I’m really, really tired though. I just want to lock myself in a room, toss the key deep down into the ocean, and finally sleep. for a long time. because… I'm done.

chilly bloom
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Yeah, so I’ve experienced that. Secluding yourself for long enough will lead to disaster.

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Trust me.

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I did it for 2 years, and attempted today.

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Don’t do that.

worldly granite
worldly granite
# chilly bloom Yeah, so I’ve experienced that. Secluding yourself for long enough will lead to ...

and… yeah, I know isolating myself isn’t the best call. but.. I’m just tired. it started around late Dec/ early Jan, when I came across an official Marvel comic about my comfort character. in that comic, she… ||had sex with her own twin brother.|| ever since then, I’ve been feeling overwhelmed. ||suicidal||, even. way more than I’m used to.

in Feb, I shifted back into Stranger Things, Will Byers has always been a comfort character for me too. and I love the Byler ship, him and his best friend, it just hits close to home. but on Tumblr, where most of the Byler community is, I came across a post by a 28-year-old man, and he was ||sexualizing|| Will in this brutal, detailed way. talking about things no grown man should be discussing about a kid. and I couldn’t take it. I’ve seen these kids grow up since they were 12. I couldn’t keep being part of something that felt so wrong. so I distanced myself, not a full goodbye, just… pulled back.

then March came around, and I got into this Spider-Man and Human Torch ship. but my mom’s homophobic, she saw a gay fanart on my phone. she took my phone and never gave it back. and I’m still without it.

in April, I was trying to find more comic interactions between Spidey and Torch, something innocent, and I clicked on what looked like a normal page. turned out it was some NSFW comic where Human Torch ||had sex with his own twin sister.|| that moment really broke me. I don’t think I’ve ever felt that suicidal before. I just wanted to ||kms||. but like I said, I don’t have the guts to go through with it.

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in May, I returned to Byler. I blocked everyone who sexualized the ship and made a post about my personal boundaries, especially how I didn’t want to engage in any ||sexual discussions|| about these 14-year-old characters. but instead of understanding, I got anonymous messages calling me a homophobe. ... that word... it hit me harder than I expected. even being called the f slur wouldn’t have stung like that did. because it made me question everything I’ve felt. all the love I’ve had for my best friend. all the nights I cried into my pillow, were those just lies too? was it all fake if I’m “a homophobe” for trying to protect what little I'd left?

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and as if all of that wasn’t enough, in June, Pride Month, I got my personal info leaked on a game forum just for being gay. they leaked my picture. even my exact location.

now...I don’t know. I don’t feel much of anything anymore. I’m just tired. It feels like I’m slowly losing everything, month by month.

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(HEADS UP)
the text wall above mentions incest in comics, ||suicidal thoughts||, fandom ||sexualization|| of minor characters, homophobia, being called a homophobe, and getting personal info leaked.

chilly bloom
chilly bloom
chilly bloom
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I’m so sorry.

worldly granite
chilly bloom
worldly granite