indigo condor
its my birthday today, im turning 18, and its going to feel as pointless as any other day, i feel like at the moment i have no purpose, the days just blend together.
ive missed out on my childhood, throughout my teen years, i never had any real friends, that all stopped after primary school, i only socialised inside of school and college, im not sure why, i dont feel like im unlikeable as a person, i make people laugh, im very outgoing, and just in general, i socialised well with the few people i socialised with, yet it never went further than just being classmates.
i missed out on girlhood, i never got to experience teen love, "mother and daughter" bonding times, or just in general, being taught how to be a young woman by my mother. and now its too late, its something that ill never be able to experience now, and it fucking kills me.
i dont even casually talk with anybody anymore, nvm having smbdy i would actually call a "friend" instead of an acquaintance, i feel like i should be partying with my girlies to celebrate officially becoming a woman, but im gonna be alone inside as if its any other day. it would be atleast better at my mums, we could have some sort of bonding time, she knows im trans, and we get along well, my dad doesnt know, and thats where i am right now, ik hes not gonna try to make plans, hes a very "dull" person in general, he doesnt have much of a personality so its kindof impossible to bond with him.
i have 1 true friend, shes an online friend, ive known her for years, and we love eachother so much, but ive even been distant from her recently, by my own doing, i feel shitty for it, it just gets very repitive only ever being able to text or call, i want something closer, just one or two irl friends who i could meet up with occasionaly would make life less plain for me.
i have hope for my future in general, i just deeply regret missing out on the past, and i long for a restart, or even just a fresh start to my current life to begin now.
ruby plank