cursive warren
14 Years old and well... I hate myself. I want to die every day. Thats the one thing they forgot to ask in my last psych evaluation at the hospital. They didn't ask "How often do you have these ideations/thoughts/plans?" They should've asked. They guessed that its only maybe once a day on a bad day, right? Fuck. No. Its every day. THE ENTIRE DAY, EVERY DAY, I THINK/PLAN MY OWN DEATH. I. CANT. TAKE. THIS. SHIT. It takes EVERYTHING in me, NOT to kill myself every time I think about it. I literally tried to get into psych wards multiple times, but because stupid me didn't show them how I feel, just sat with a damn pokerface, they didn't let me in. Well fuck them. I'm gonna buy a goddamn rope tonight. I dont care. I'm gonna hang myself, and I know that I'll probably live. Well.... I dont care. I dont. Its so damn simple. I'm not getting help this time. I'm just doing it. If I end up in the hospital... I'll have a full on fucking mental breakdown. Why? Not cause I'm getting triggered by being in the hospital, hell no. Its that they dont see how broken I am. How much I want to die. How little I care about myself. I dont fucking care. I'm gonna try to kill myself over and over. I dont care. I DONT CARE.
I dont feel sane. I dont think that I'm sane. I know I should be in a psych ward. Fucking god this is how my life's gonna be now. Fuck.
I constantly have headaches, my entire body just hurts all the time, I'm never hungry and feel pain and feel guilty when I do eat.
Why did I go to the hospital before? Not cause I wanted help. No. I never WANTED help. I wanted to die. But I felt guilty. I felt like an asshole for not trying to get help. So now, this time, I'm just gonna make a damn attempt. If I fail? Ill try my damn hardest to get admitted, and I'll make threats that I shouldn't. I dont normally say how I feel. But... I'm about to fucking SNAP. I'm gonna just.... do it. If I'm discharged tomorrow, I'm JUMPING OUT OF THE MOVING CAR AND INTO THE DAMN ROAD. I DONT CARE!
quick vault