frigid axle
Honestly, I don't even know how I'm really doing anymore. Inside, I feel empty – completely drained. And yet my emotions are more intense than they've ever been. It's a constant up and down, like a rollercoaster I can't get off.
A while ago, I stopped taking my antidepressants after more than two years. At first, there was light. I felt better than I ever had – almost like I could finally breathe again. But that feeling slowly got overshadowed by a darker truth: I'm starting to realize how deeply rejected I feel by the world around me.
My friends? Every time I try to spend time with them, there’s always a “coincidental” other plan. Or we make arrangements, and suddenly they’re cancelled – only for me to see them doing something else with someone else. It feels like being deliberately excluded, even though I try to tell myself it’s not that.
And at home, it’s no better – every conversation ends in arguments, in misunderstandings, in accusations. It feels like no matter what I say or do, it's never right.
My self-hatred grows a little more every single day. I’m losing myself. I’m screaming inside, but no one hears me. It feels like I’m slowly disappearing.
I don’t have anyone I can truly open up to. My therapist dismisses everything as if I’m just imagining it. She tells me to stop overreacting – but how do you "not overreact" when your heart is breaking?
And then there's this one person. Someone I’ve felt deeply connected to. Someone I’ve had intimate, honest conversations with for over two years. I thought there was something between us... maybe I read too much into it. But hearing that, for them, it was always just friendship – that completely shattered me.
Now I find myself crying in bed every single night. I don’t know how to keep going. I’ve tried things I’m not proud of – substances, self-harm, dark thoughts... But nothing has truly helped. And no one seems to really notice.
I feel alone. Lost. And I just don’t know what to do anymore.
solid whale