old heath
For a few years now I have been under a fuck ton of stress, abusive parents (emotionally and physically), school, job, living off of my own money (17 atm, was 15 when it started). It was all caused by an incident with my parents which I won't get into but I was de-facto disowned. Long story short it's been incredibly tough and frankly I am proud I have made it this far. I have had a few suicide attempts during this period but I stopped myself before things got too far.
... But one thing never went away once it started: the cutting. I did out of anger at first, it was a way to punish myself but after a few months I realized none of what happened is my fault. But I noticed when things got overwhelming, during particularly stressful days I would always find myself doing just 3 or 4 cuts, deep so that they hurt but not bad enough to cause serious danger to calm myself down. A few seconds after I cut I felt a huge wave of relief wash over me, like a weight was taken off my shoulders. It only lasts for 10 minutes or so, after that I have to do it again. So I do, a few more times. It gives me some time to breathe, to calm down and get back in the game so to speak. I never do it in visible places but at this point my entire torso and things are scarred to hell and back. I've tried other methods of coping with it and almost gave myself a drinking addiction in the process at some point but nothing compares to the relief I get from cutting.
But why? I've read and asked all about it, I've been told it's shame, it's fear, that I want to be noticed and it's a cry for help, that I want to punish myself. But none of those are true. I am stressed yes but not scared in the pure fear sense of the word. I am ashamed of doing it but not of who I am. I do not want to be noticed or seen, the opposite and I do not want to punish myself. So WHY is this the only thing that seems to help and if anyone has experienced anything similar, how do I break out of this cycle?
brazen inlet