Can’t shake the feeling that something is mentally wrong with mePotential TW: su and sh

[worn tapir]

I’ve been having su and su thoughts almost daily, and I’ve been getting depressed daily as well. I almost sh myself today (I thankfully didn’t hurt myself) but I was this close to doing it. I just don’t know what to do

[surreal hound]

I guess the first question to start off with is what exactly is it you are feeling that makes you have these desires? Be it what's causing the depression or how it's making you think or feel.

Have you done sh before? This changes how to respond to this

[worn tapir]

yes, i used to do it daily. I’ve been clean for about… 2 months I think?

[worn tapir]

I feel like what I do for others is never good enough.

even if they directly tell me they’re grateful

I feel like a failure

[surreal hound]

I'm not sure how much this helps but there isn't anyone who can do enough. When it come's to helping, part of that is unfortunatly accepting that we can try as hard as we can, but that doesn't mean we'll fix the problem. At the end of the day, what we say and do only help the person along, not solve the solution completely.

[surreal hound]

So yeah, even helping a bit is a huge thing. If you were really a failure, you wouln't help at all, wouldn't even try. But you sure do try at least, don't you?

[worn tapir]

I feel like I need to help others because it’s the only time I feel sort of good about myself, I have really low self esteem 😔

plus, I want to help them because I don’t know how to help myself so I don’t even try

So in my mind, im like, “I should direct my helping energy to others if I can’t help myself”

[surreal hound]

And that's what I'm saying, because you help others, you aren't a failure. You're activly making a difference, and that's sucess, not failure

[surreal hound]

I guess sometimes helping others can in a way help yourself. At the very least it takes your mind of of things. On the other hand however, it gives your life some purpose. You're helping others out, your effecting others, and your existance continues to be a positive light!

[worn tapir]

but every time I try to help, I fucking devastate my own mental health. that’s why I’ve been in this loop

[surreal hound]

And why is that?

[worn tapir]

I don’t know, it just worsens every time

[surreal hound]

Is it perhaps because every time you help someone else, you feel more like no one is helping you? I ask because I have often felt this way.

[worn tapir]

Potentially. I think it also may be because… how do I word this..

I feel like im expending so much of my mental energy trying to help, to the point where i feel like im going insane

[surreal hound]

I see. I guess all I can say here is while helping others is good and all, you shouldn't neglect your health. If not for the good of yourself, then because if you do, then you can't even help others either. I realize saying "take care of yourself" doesn't really help, but yeah, sometimes you need to focus on you rather than others.

Your issues are just as important as others, they shouldn't be discounted

[worn tapir]

Honestly, I feel like I’ve given up on myself.

I have no care for my mental health anymore.

I feel physically incapable to do so.

[surreal hound]

You say this, and yet here you are asking for help. Is this not that care?

[worn tapir]

because I just wanted to vent, to get this off my chest.

but I have zero care for my mental health now..

[surreal hound]

And why did you want to get it off your chest?

[worn tapir]

and I’d rather help my friends with their issues to the point of my exhaustion then worry about myself now.

[worn tapir]

Because I need to sleep, it’s 2:30 at night for me

if I didn’t get it off my chest I wouldn’t fall asleep

[surreal hound]

How is that possible, what time zone is 17 minutes from mine?

[worn tapir]

eh, sorry, I was rounding up, lol

[surreal hound]

And why is that sleep important?

[worn tapir]

it’s 2:14 for me

[worn tapir]

Because my parents will get mad at me if I don’t, they’ll probably yell and shit like that

[surreal hound]

How would they know?

[surreal hound]

Neat, same time zone

[worn tapir]

I’d be very tired in the morning, they would notice

[worn tapir]

neat 🙂

[surreal hound]

And why would you care about that?

[worn tapir]

because I can’t fucking handle that. I can’t fucking handle getting yelled at in my face. they yell at me for picking up the wrong thing when they tell me to get something for them. They yell at me for forgetting a simple, useless thing that they could find out using Google.

[surreal hound]

Would I be wrong in saying you not being able to handle that matters because it makes you super stressed out, in other words, makes your mental health deteriorate even further?

[worn tapir]

what do you mean? I’m not following, sorry (my brain is not 100% rn I apologize ;-;)

[surreal hound]

The point is, at the end of the day, this all connects back to you not wanting to feel a certain way. Feelings are part of your mental health, therefor you do care about your mental health. Sometimes it may not seem like it at first, but no matter how little, you do at least to some degree care about your mental health.

[worn tapir]

but that’s the thing.
I don’t. At this point, I just want to help my friends as much as I can before I finally break and give in to the temptations… I know it’s gonna happen soon..

[surreal hound]

You say this but you've just proven otherwise

[worn tapir]

how?

[surreal hound]

You don't want to be yelled at by your parents for example, is this correct?

[worn tapir]

yes, because it just makes my life hell

[surreal hound]

Alright, if you don't care about your health, that doesn't matter does it?

[worn tapir]

Well, I’d prefer not to be yelled at if I can prevent it

[surreal hound]

So it does matter?

[worn tapir]

I guess
still though, I’ve just lost hope for myself, if you want I can explain it further in DMs, but I had a terrible panic attack today and I just stopped caring for myself

[surreal hound]

I guess all I'm saying is so long as you care about how you feel, and clearly you do, then you care about yourself at least that little bit.

That aside, what's the thinking that goes into not caring anymore?

[worn tapir]

I’ve tried and tried, but there’s no point in helping myself, im a lost cause and helpless

my friends have tried so hard too and I put them through too much

im not even sure if I want to tell them about my issues anymore, I can’t bear to see them that way

[surreal hound]

As your friends. They want to see you improve. If you're worried about putting them through too much, then harming yourself or worse is only gonna make them feel worse. At that's kind of just the thing in genral, it makes things worse.

[surreal hound]

As a friend who has assisted others, I can say it is an increadible feeling knowing someone trusts you enough to share their feelings and open up for help. We want to help our friens. We don't want a fake happy fascad, and we certainly would like our friend to continue to exsist with minimal harm to themselves.

It's honestly one of the great things about having good friends, that they won't give up on you no matter what.

Also, on the subject of friens, have you tried talking with them more often, trying to hang out or do things together more often? At the very least this can change things up a little and give a slight distraction to how you're feeling right now.

[worn tapir]

most of my friends are from discord.

[surreal hound]

That only rules out one of the options. You can still talk with them and yoou can still do things with them. How else would you have become friends in the first place?

[worn tapir]

we do talk, but I still want to hurt myself constantly

[surreal hound]

I see. I'm curious, do you want to do it more for the feeling or for some sense of deserving it?

[worn tapir]

Both. I feel empty and I deserve it.

[surreal hound]

Why do you deserve it?

Is helping others something that should be punished?

[worn tapir]

I feel like I deserve it because im not good enough for my friends

[surreal hound]

If you ask me, I would say your most certainly good enough. Your friends aren't gonna be friends with someone they think is "not good enough". By chosing to be your friends, they are saying how you are is satisfactory.

[worn tapir]

I almost failed one of my friends today.

[surreal hound]

There's striving to be better, but to be perfectly honest, you haven't really listed anything bad about how you act in the friendship.

[surreal hound]

oh?

[worn tapir]

I’m not saying who, but he almost OD’ed…

[surreal hound]

And this is your fault how?

[worn tapir]

because I could have done better
what if he gets one of those depressive waves again? im not reliable to talk to if I almost failed him. what if I really do fail him the second time around?

what if I fail all my friends?

what am I going to do then?

[surreal hound]

Everyone could have always done better. There is never something that couldn't be improved. And on the topic of what ifs, if that happens again, I can tell you what will, help: being in good physical condition. Cuttting yourself only makes it harder to help others.

[worn tapir]

but cutting was the only way I knew that helped me cope and feel normal, even for a little bit

I know that sounds fucked up..

I am fucked up in the head…

[surreal hound]

Have you seen the amount of posts here about self harm?

[worn tapir]

yes, I can’t help but try and help every single one

I literally need to stop myself

And close out discord for a bit

im trying to care for my friends that I’ve been telling all this, but I don’t see a point

im just hopeless

[surreal hound]

Really? Because I'd say you have some hope. You have hope for helping your friends. You have hope for helping others. You have hope for not wanting that friend to OD. You have hope for not wanting Nes to sh or even worse last night. Don't discount all these things.

[worn tapir]

but IM hopeless. There’s not even a point in helping me, it just delays the inevitable of me eventually breaking and…

Nevermind, I don’t want to say that.

I’m sorry dude, I shouldn’t keep you up, please go to bed, I’ll be fine

don’t worry about me

[surreal hound]

Say that all you want, but I'm not going anywhere

[worn tapir]

Please J, you need sleep it’s really late I don’t want to keep you up

[surreal hound]

It's summer break, I went to sleep at four and woke up at 12

[worn tapir]

still, it feels wrong to keep you up

it feels selfish

[surreal hound]

selfish

SELFISH?

[worn tapir]

yes

I feel selfish for keeping you up for my stupid emotions

they don’t even make sense I am feeling so much emotions right now it’s intense

[surreal hound]

If it makes you feel any better, I've litterally messaged five different threads right now. Me not talking to you doesn't mean I'm going to bed

[worn tapir]

oh god I used to do that… only I’d try and manage like 13…

T-T

[surreal hound]

And also, you, my friend, need to sleep just as much or more than me. Don't forget my time is your time

[surreal hound]

Yeah, I try to keep it somewhat limited. Again, don't want to stress yourself out too much

[worn tapir]

I’ll be fine. I don’t want to worry yoy any more :<

[surreal hound]

Like I said earlier, I don't want no fascads.

[worn tapir]

there’s so much shit wrong with me I haven’t even touched on, I don’t want to worry you with my stupid nonsense

[surreal hound]

I chose to be worried about this. This was something I decided, "I want to concern myself about this" nothings beeing forced here.

If I didn't care about these issues, I wouldn't be here in the first place now would I?

[worn tapir]

yea, but I don’t want to put you through what I did to my friends..

[surreal hound]

Just like I want to help, they want to help. You aren't "putting anyone through" anything. Just like I choose to ask about your issues, they chose to ask about your issues. I talk like your forcing it on us, but we chose to hear this, we want to hear this, because we want to help

[worn tapir]

I think im abbout to have to panic attack

hgod dsmanit i I am

iim panickikcng

[surreal hound]

I'm unfortunatly not the best when it comes with helping people through these but I'm here.

[worn tapir]

no

[surreal hound]

Look

[worn tapir]

I don’t want to scare you

im sorry

[surreal hound]

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