#What counts as talking back chat :/ (tw sh mention)

36 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

tight bone
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I dunno...I sometimes feel guilty for things whenever I break them, and then I get told to stop wallowing in self-pity and all that crap. And then I ALSO feel guilty over feeling guilty, especially whenever mom had her rare moments of shouting at me and everyone telling me how much I talk back.

How do I know if I dont deserved being forgiven? How do I know if I was just being a coward who cant change and cant be mature? ||Im surrounded by knives and I want them on my wrists...but I also dont...want to...||

FUck

small imp
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I can relate but my mom tries her best to help me in my endeavors tho. Don't have the parental pressure. Self-pity is fine, just ask yourself whether it's really self-pity or just a reflection of everyone around you. If it's everyone around you, you might want to try to speak up a little more if you feel comfortable enough. Also pls don't do the wrist thing. Hope this helps❤💔

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@tight bone

tight bone
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I wished I was never born with a voice, so that they wont complain about the way I talk. What is there to complain if there is nothing to hear?

small imp
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That might be a situation you want to get out of then? Language shouldn't be filed into a certain way based on gender and you have the right to live. And parents and other older figures saying that ur being defensive etc. just can't come up with any other counterpoint and are being defensive themselves. Maybe try to actually sit down and talk with these people, especially parents? Just approach them and be like "hey, can we talk about this please?" Life is fucked up, but if you can find a light, even a small one, you usually have enough. There will always be one thing or another to complain about, yes. But it doesn't hurt to be optimistic sometimes. But seriously, sit down with your parents. Maybe with a counselor or therapist, or someone you trust and feel can help mediate the conversation. Or even on your own. Parents are your best allies, when you have them. Even one.

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@tight bone

tight bone
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But...it hurts to be optimistic. every time I try to be neutral or positive, my 'overthinking' mindset is always brought to light by them, and it all falls down to square one. I dunno, it felt too repetitive...too frustrating...too intimidating...I cant be positive if the ones Im positive for are those they are negative for

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Wait, lemme...let me finish...

small imp
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Mk

tight bone
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I dont think they even want to talk it out without showing that they're flawed and that we're both in the wrong, but that they're MORE into it because I was just a child who needs some affirmation...and theyre the ones who should know better about how things work. But, no, none of them DO. They also impleid they do not trust counselors or any non-church-related people to handle counseling me or giving me advice, because for some 'they might side with you and your sob stories' bs (not quotes, but the vibes I get). They think therapists are only for the extremely traumatized, like r8pe levels or war levels or physically abused levels of traumatized, or even the senile and those who need an asylum.

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So...no...I cant say that I can trust them. hell, theyre on my LOWEST priority list of who to trust, of who to go after when I need help, and most of all...who would I save if buildings burn down and I have to bring someone out with me. It sounds selfish and horrible, I know, but I'd rather die than SAVE them.

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...

small imp
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Shouldn't be saying this lwk

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But atp I'd just say run away and find a chosen family

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Don't call cps or go to the police cz they'll also go to cps

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But like try to find a chosen family and when you do

tight bone
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Cant run away for shits, and Im in the fucking PHILIPPINES. I know jack shit of how to go full cold turkey on them

small imp
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Is there ANYONE you trust even a smidgen in your life?

tight bone
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...I trust no one. Not...even myself

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Maybe a bit...but it isn't enough.

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And...the only things I could do to try and go cold turkey is by destroying anything that could make them track me, steal a new phone or two (or snag dad's cash and buy myself some new one), delete my contacts with them, and move provinces away and maybe hitchhike

small imp
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Wish I could help you more. At the end of the day though, I'm just another stranger on a social media platform. Don't even live in the Philippines. I'm really sorry you're stuck in that situation.

tight bone
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Yea...

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I just wanna vent...and just be nihilistic about the horrible shit in my life, yknow? Do you know others had also told me to run away? Haha...why was i born this way...

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I cant be 'normal', I had to be multiple stacks of weirdness and 'what the fucks' in one meatbag - not just my levels of queer (and hell, being aspec, so the concept of romance and desiring yknow is both foreign and confusing to me), but also with my possible, untreated mental illnesses, my kinning, my casualness with the concept of mortality, my...everything. I dont even think i can be treated seriously as a person if anyone meets me. Hell, I think my online friends might feel pity for me if I meet them IRL bc of my dogshit social skills and communication abilities, and its a bad thing to happen

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I cant be normal, but I cant I even pretend to be normal? I just want to live, to die, to stop this loop of stagnating into one mess of a square one

small imp
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Is there a safe public space like community centre or something where you live that you can walk to and like hang out at or something

tight bone
small imp
tight bone
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Oh...well then

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Biggest enemy is socialization ig 0_0

small imp
tight bone
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💀

small imp