covert field
Like. I feel so mean if I say no to someone, or upset someone when I don't wanna be friends. And they'll say things when I say no or something bad to them, and they'll try to gaslight me into doing what they want.
And I be doing it because I don't wanna be a bad person, and I don't want others to say bad things about me.
I know I shouldn't, but something in me just... Lets them do it to me. Something in me lets people manipulate and use me.
I get told I'm just a people pleaser, but I know damn well I don't wanna be one.
I wanna be a cop.
Have you ever heard of a people pleaser cop?
I know I haven't.
But like. When I do please people, it makes me so happy?? Like. I love making other people happy, and I love helping people, but I feel like it's not me doing it...
It's like my body is doing it without my consent.
And when I don't do it, when I'm not making people happy, they'll throw insults at me, making me insecure about what I'm doing to them.
I don't want to please you, but I also don't want you to hate me, too.
west elk