ancient scaffold
hardly anything feels like it has a point. i cant see the point in anything. im declining, im letting myself go, and every time i try to muster the energy for even the smallest shit, i get overwhelmed and anxious and shut down again.
where did my joy and whimsy go? when i was at my lowest, all i wanted was to get better and be a sunshine to be around. now i just wanna do nothing. i dont care about being bright or anything.
but im also perpetually in a state where i dont want to give up on it all. something better is out there for me. maybe one day ill be happy and healthy. but it all feels like daydreaming to imagine and hope for.
and every single ideal version of myself is someone that can get up and do everything they need to, even despite the lack of energy or will. why cant i do the same? why cant i excel and flourish? why does everything feel so hard? i cant stand myself.
thanks for reading, umm please advice maybe :}
stray pelican