Advice?

[dawn tree]

Will censor words that might feel triggering
Hello, I'm 17, recently for over half a year, I've been feeling extra ||suicidal||, with every day I am an inch closer to doing that, I have my plan on how, just not my day when.

And to clear things out, no its not that I'm only ||suicidal|| for half a year, just in this period of time it's been way stronger, I've been depressed for years, and in each time I felt it's the bottom, I've gotten worse.

I go to psychiatrist and school therapist, taking antidepressants, she says they're strong, but honestly I can't feel anything after them.

I have no friends and I have mixed feelings about my parents, they support and not support me at the same time, which I know is confusing but I'm not gonna get fully into that.

I feel like nobody cares for me, I hide who I am, but even if I've shown who I am, it would probably only be my parents, but that wouldn't make me much happier.

I'm ugly, weird and always were in the back of everyone, my classmates hate me, I have no partner and my parents don't even support me fully, I only got support in my school therapist and psychiatrist, where as for my school therapist, after I finish school I will have to leave her with no coming back, and I feel like my psychiatrist only cares because I pay dozens of money for a psychiatric session.

So basically my main question, what should I do? About literally anything, each day I feel closer and closer to doing that, where I don't even feel regrets, it's not just thoughts anymore, they feel like advices.

(Ping me if you reply)

[molten briar]

Honestly, all of these are valid concerns. You're not alone, and I think that's most important for you to hear. Even if you feel lonely there are millions that feel the same as you. You don't have to confide who you are unless it's unsafe for you to do so. I'm so sorry you even have to do that in the first place. As a psych student, we do care. We really do. If your psychiatrist couldn't connect with people then they wouldn't have become one. I have schizoaffective bipolar, I felt really similar to you with my therapist. You are never alone. Parents are REALLY weird, they act supportive to your situation then blame you for your mental state. It's gross and shouldn't be normalized, i'd recommend talking with them and how you feel. Your not ugly, never met you but I can already tell your soul is beautiful, i promise

[molten briar]

sorry here

[dawn tree]

Im Very unsure if it gets better as I say, nothing in life makes me happy anymore, at least nothing achievable, I got no dreams, I completely gave up on studying and anything.

I live like a robot, same pattern everytime, Wake up, school, sleep,
wake up, shower, sleep

And Im ugly as hell, that's why I got no friends or partner, because nobody wanna hang out with a freak like me

[molten briar]

No don't say that, your pfp looks like it's matching with someone, are they your freinds? And yes life is super repetitive it's annoying as hell. But somtimes it takes a while to figure things out. Life takes a while to figure out and if you can't live for yourself right now live for someone who cares for you

[molten briar]

SORRRY! I keep forgetting to ping

[dawn tree]

No Im not matching with anyone, Ive been in this type of scenario for a long time now, where I dont do anything and if nothing happens I'm just gonna get closer and closer to ||suiciding||. There's nothing I can do about that. Recently the thoughts appear everywhere, when I Play games, when I listen to music, when I travel to school, in school etc

[molten briar]

alright have you talked to your thereipist about a psych ward maybe. If your that at risk to yourself you definitely need to be admitted

[molten briar]

I KEEP FORGETTING TO PING

[dawn tree]

In where I live psych wards are bad. Most of them just work for money and Im easily annoyed by other neurodivirgent people, even a few hours per day wouldn't nessecarily help. So like the only benefit I see is like socializing I guess, but long story short, I'm shy af and as I said theres like for example other neurodivirgent people in my school and they kinda annoy me, so in a room with all of that people, I dont think I would feel good and I would probably crash out inside of myself

Not trying to be ableist or any phobic to these type of people as I know they cannot change that, but its just triggering to me. I dont see any other benefit of going there, because as I said most of these psych asylum therapists are kinda working for money, because its public use not private and I just dont see it as a good idea, as even though these are only assumptions, they're very likely to happen.

[molten briar]

alright then what about an outpatient facility. Where you stay there for the day and go home, like a day camp

[dawn tree]

Not sure it exists where I live

[molten briar]

out patient hospitals are everywhere. I would assume you would have em

[dawn tree]

Probably they're connected with what we've said before, or they're like only in the capital city

[molten briar]

Either way do talk to your thereipist, your feelings are valid and they'll find the best treatment plan for you

[dawn tree]

I have taken antidepressants and today I just ||vomitted|| after them, and I don't feel any change after them instead that I feel tired and sick

[molten briar]

that does happen sadly, somtimes certain drugs don't help us

[dawn tree]

Well I dont think anything helps me

I've been today at school psychologist and she told my mom to seek therapy

[molten briar]

I'm glad