What the hell do I have?

[supple trout]

Sometimes - I struggle with caring about myself. It's really hard for me. I can be really compassionate for others but just cant care about myself.

But other times - I just get overwhelmed and care way to much about whats gonna happen to me and say shit that I regret to others.

I legit just.. hate myself. I dont care about myself. I dont understand myself. I cant feel most pain physically and emotionally.

I feel like whenever I'm compassionate towards others, I'm apathetic towards myself. Whenever I care about myself, I become apathetic towards others. When people help me, I seek them less because I feel like they've done enough for me.

wtf am I?

[outer folio]

A mother fucking juggernaut, an unstoppable force, who doesnt feel PAIN or need to live, the most resilient one, the tankiest, like a motherfucking bulldozer! :3

[supple trout]

Well no... I feel pain but it becomes numb almost instantly and... so...

Self harm is an issue..

I try not to but I feel so little pain from doing it.

[outer folio]

And so you are a tank! You just need your healer girl/boy/person and you two will be unstoppable... At least thats how it works in videogames...

[outer folio]

How is it? Skin heals, scars stay...

Not so much of impact.

It isnt like you are banging your head against a wall.

[supple trout]

Oh I do that too.

[outer folio]

Usual. I tore down door to my room using my head.

[outer folio]

What are those walls? Thin ass paper or pure european concrete?

[supple trout]

Canada plaster.

but I punch myself in the face too.

[outer folio]

Thats hard...

No, you definitely need partner. To love and feel loved... to never ever be alone again...

Or to punch them.

I am not an expert, tbh...

I mean, I still cut myself and headbutt stuff... so I probably should get some help myself. But I wont!

Wait. You are that piano person, right?

[supple trout]

yes.

[outer folio]

Does piano bring any joy to you? Hobbies usually help...

Also, that Hattie person wanted to talk to you. We just care about you. Even if you think that we shouldnt or if you dont care about yourself, we care about you.

[supple trout]

Oh yeah my power went out last night so... thats why I didnt message her lmao

[supple trout]

not much joy

[outer folio]

Any videogames you like?

[supple trout]

Yeah but I cant play most of em

[outer folio]

Why? Name some, if you can.

[supple trout]

I have a ton of them but... I dont find them very fun and cant play them for mental health reasons... (Parents banned me from using my devices lmao)

I have BF2042, FH5, MSFS 2020 and MSFS 2024, RDR2, The witness...

[outer folio]

BANNED FROM DEVICES?

Christ, why?

[supple trout]

Mental health issues

[outer folio]

Thats... too much of caring.

[supple trout]

They thought that discord was making me want to kill myself (It wasnt, im secretly on discord rn anyways lmaooo)

[supple trout]

I KNOWWW

[outer folio]

Usually games present some relief, like an opportunity to vent, to blow off some steam (and to blow off some heads out of pure anger and hatred).

Them gatekeeping you from using them just makes it worse...

[supple trout]

Indeed.

[outer folio]

Confront them about it?

Sorry, was making mashed potatos for myself. At 2 AM.

[supple trout]

They probably wouldn't listen

[outer folio]

It still worth trying. Maybe use some studies to convince them?

[supple trout]

Great, I'll go on the interne- I cant.

lmao..

[outer folio]

Oh...

[supple trout]

Exactly.

[outer folio]

Sorry... I didnt know.

Want me to find some?

[supple trout]

Doesnt really matter

I dont think I can convince them

on the bright side, I didnt hurt myself last night.

[outer folio]

WOW.

Thats actually so fucking good...

And I mean it, okay?

[supple trout]

okay?

[outer folio]

If you think that "it doesnt matter", it does matter for us. For me at least!

[supple trout]

I have now realized that my cuts with that vinyl cuttng blades are healing faster than the ones I did with a random ass screw I found.

The vinyl cutting blade is significantly sharper and smaller so... the cuts are deeper but cleaner with less tears.

i gotta go

[outer folio]

Parents?

[supple trout]

indeed

that is usually the reason.

does punching yourself count as self harm?

[supple trout]

welp fuck

Im gonna be on top of a tenth floor

AW FUCK

ITS over 175 feet up

welp.... uhh.. ill try not to go splat

[supple trout]

If I were to jump off a 200 foot building onto concrete, would I survive?

scratch that, its only 130ish feet

[outer folio]

Least likely.

But I can guarantee you would prefer to.

[supple trout]

Its only like 130ish feet

[outer folio]

Thats a lot of feet...

Fetishist's paradise...

[supple trout]

I stg

wtf are you saying?

[outer folio]

Jokes. I dont use imperial units.

So feet for me are human soles.

[supple trout]

WELL I GOTTA GO NOW

[outer folio]

Shit happens.

[supple trout]

So uhh

I might be back later, i dunno. Coinflips gonna decide.

[outer folio]

Depends on mood swings of Pope. Usual thing.

DMs?

Like, asking to.

[supple trout]

uhh

sure but I gotta go rn so...

[outer folio]

I am fine with that, dont worry.

[zinc nymph]

I have the same thing sometimes, just sleep, maybe it will help, or tell your parents about it. Although my parents don't care at all, which is very sad.

[supple trout]

Pope hates me