pastel grotto
I researched OSDD symptoms despite having the now-previous assumption that my plurality is not inherently traumagenic, and now...I feel like regretting knowing that most of my emotional and mental complications fit the criteria of OSDD. And I kinda...felt a bit worse since I already know I cant seek mental help currently (can explain why)....
Dunno how to actually feel, though..
urban mortar
I researched OSDD symptoms despite having the now-previous assumption that my pl...
whats osdd?
pastel grotto
Other SPECIFIED Dissociative Disorder. Basically related to DID, but also not? In other words, some types of plurality that can be diagnosed. "a diagnosis used when someone experiences dissociative symptoms that significantly impact their life but don't fully meet the criteria for a specific dissociative disorder like Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID).
.
pastel grotto
why cant you seek mental help anyway
Majorly financial, religious, and general issues. Financial because were not that poor but still poor enough that mental facilities arent considered over other things like food, school supplies, and all that stuff. Religious because my shitty parents think I simply needed a pastor to sort shit out + "pastors can help counseling you". General because they have a misconception that only the most mentally ill (or near that) OR those extremely traumatized needs psychology help (and even undermined psychology as a job)
pastel grotto
I...I feel like theyre fuckinh idiots. I once tried to tell mom years go during the pandemic that I could have depression, but she brushed it off with "its in your head" + the fact im "too young" for it
urban mortar
I...I feel like theyre fuckinh idiots. I once tried to tell mom years go during ...
omg i hate people who say that to their kids vro
like why dont you just hear your kid out
pastel grotto
atleast decent therapy
Yea...what if I get a good therapist thats terrible on the DID/OSDD aspect, or at least the plurality aspect
urban mortar
Yea...what if I get a good therapist thats terrible on the DID/OSDD aspect, or a...
well damn 🤷 there goes your cash
pastel grotto
like why dont you just hear your kid out
..those words are also repeated when I once claimed to have anxiety, and another time when I said I could have ADHD. THIS LATTER FUCKER IS A BIG STORY
urban mortar
elaborate
pastel grotto
well damn 🤷 there goes your cash
Yea...especially if they dont understand fictionkins (and otherkins in general)
urban mortar
spill the tea ill wait
pastel grotto
elaborate
Okay, theres a whole bullshit in-between, but basically at some point months ago when we were arguing over things, mom slipped out that I could had an EQ test besides an IQ test, and that a few church members who specialize in things close to psychology (or are merely doctors) had suspected that kid me had ADHD. I got mad with not getting an EQ Test, bc even then in the past I feel "wrong" for being "me". Dad and mom pulled out the financial points and we proceeded to derail further into other topics, and I get slapped and chowed upon verbally. As usual when these happen (altho its not happening for the last few months)
Then, I went up to one of the docs who mom mentioned, and we got some decent talk. But, I then asked him about me having ADHD, and he just said thst IT WAS A HUNCH (not quotes, not exact, but yea). WHAT?!
urban mortar
okay what the fuck
pastel grotto
So its just this while bullshit regarding being fucking broke, appointment scheds being whack, and also the fact my parents want me to remain and be a "normal", "mature", ""girl"" who doesnt speak like "shes" shouting, and who almost never smiles
urban mortar
i dont know these people but are thes guys dunb'
pastel grotto
i dont know these people but are thes guys dunb'
Yea 💀
pastel grotto
I cant even argue much bc Ill get beaten much
urban mortar
So its just this while bullshit regarding being fucking broke, appointment sched...
and why tf cant most parents just accept that their kid needs extra help and that they aint perfectly normal
pastel grotto
OY WTF AUTOMOD TF DO YOU MEAN THERES SHIT I SAID ABOUTHOW MUCH I GET SLAPPED THAT ISNT ALLOWED
pastel grotto
and why tf cant most parents just accept that their kid needs extra help and tha...
Y E A
urban mortar
OY WTF AUTOMOD TF DO YOU MEAN THERES SHIT I SAID ABOUTHOW MUCH I GET SLAPPED THA...
bro
once my dad like tried to slap me and for once in my life
i did the most bad ass shit
pastel grotto
Damn
pastel grotto
I just get slammed and physically punished for: "low" grades (like, lower than a 94 or some shit, plus I once got an 89 and got chewed out), talking back aggressively, acting mad and angry and all that crap, just interacting on the Internet with "satanic, antichristian people", and ye...
pastel grotto
Cant remember the last time I got a "sermon" (prbably buried deep in my mind now), but dad sometimes joke about giving one to me
And, OH, OH, I GOT SOME TEA
urban mortar
if your not going to take care of your kids just DONT FUCK
pastel grotto
HE PULLED ON MY FUCKING HAIR TWO TIMES WHEN IM COMPLAINING IN OUR CAR ON WHY HIM JOKING ABOUT HOW MUCH MENSTRUAL PADS I SHOULD BRING TO A TRIP ISNT FUNNY
pastel grotto
YEA
urban mortar
WHAT FATHER JOKES ABOUT THAT
WHO MARRIED HIM
WHO WOULD MARRY THAT FUCK WITH THEIR OWN FREE WILL
pastel grotto
An unfortunate catholic who would had been a badass tomboy policewoman, only to conform into shitty SDA shit
pastel grotto
Idc about ACAB, I would like to meet a world where mom is a badass
pastel grotto
be bitches sometimes...
-Wanting some power and authority
-Being conservative
-Hypocrisies
-Justifying the way raised
urban mortar
i really gotta eep
pastel grotto
Oh
urban mortar
just yap
ill read it in the morning
or well it is the morning. ill read it when i wake up
pastel grotto
Alright then
pastel grotto
He/They/It. It/Its was just a new addition, and rarely I use plural shite
pastel grotto
sorry for not askng earlier
Nah its fine idc about pronouns when the shit we are focusing on are how shite my parents are
Speaking of my parents being shite, is it "normal" for parents to say that youre just...seeing them as villains in your story? That youre beinf selfish and try to obey urself over them?
I sometimes...feel terrible whenever they speak of such shit, because it almost always feel like Im attacking them and hurting them—justified or not. And despite my concerning views on my mortality and how I would go wild if Im immortal, I would still feel remorse over shit like killing someone from blind rage. ||And even worse, I sometimes fantasize doing that to my parents, to everyone, to myself, even||
I have no fucking clue where things are coming from, but there was a distinct pattern at every time we do a "debate/sermon" that they always claim how I always try to defend myself when backed into a vulnerable corner, like Im justifying my wrongs. That I always think Im always right and theyre WRONG. But thats bullshit! I always think Im a terrible person deserving of terrible things, but that does not make me less worse than them who believes that some people fake who they really are and that some murders are justifiable
I can barely remember these shit, but I always feel drained and mad at all these crap. Even worse, ever since he started showing up, and these happen, it seems that Dave always get pushed to the front like my mind wanted to use him as a barrier from those words (ayo namedrop). I think hes not NOT fine every time that happens, but it makes me feel terrible because this is supposed to...be just be a losing match between me and my parents, not also involving him! Not involving anyone at all until the fight ends...
And sometimes, I do bad things. I lie. I eat some shit I dont think normal humans are supposed to eat. I snap easily and gets snappy. I talk back a lot. I dont back down until I get knocked down a few pegs. I sometimes wish for my own downfall. I sometimes imagine of murder.
...why do I lack guilt? Im supposed to feel guilt, but...why do I feel NONE?!
oblique locust
...why do I lack guilt? Im supposed to feel guilt, but...why do I feel NONE?!
Why would you feel guilt from wanting someone dead while that someone ruining your whole life? I have the same problem with my parents its just every single mental illness considerable things go into a box called “Youre young youre lying that couldnt have possibly happened to you” i feel the same about my parents too and i just live my life how they want me to live it, or so thats what they think thats what i show them and nothing else. That prevents me from hating them more and giving myself bad thoughts because outside of their vision im living my own life because i know how to hide things but while theyre around i just act how they would want me to act that might not work for you so just try to hold on until you gain independence, until then plan your future while still trying things that could help your mental state, venting here might not be the best solution but it might help and when you finally gain independence you can do whatever you want.
And just dont hate yourself youre not wrong to think of stuff like this
People like you exist too so youre not alone and not in the wrong for thinking this stuff
pastel grotto
Why would you feel guilt from wanting someone dead while that someone ruining yo...
Because I have this stupid thing called empathy and I dont think I could live with the knowledge that I could just...do that
As for my future...Ill try. Although I feel like I could never grow up. Never grow up
oblique locust
Because I have this stupid thing called empathy and I dont think I could live wi...
Ok so? Youll never grow up why think of that as a problem you can get through tough times right now why not in the future even when you havent grown up?
Empathy should work on different occasions but do you think your parents want the best for you or just actually ignoring you mental health problems?
pastel grotto
Ok so? Youll never grow up why think of that as a problem you can get through to...
Maybe...maybe they do want the best for me. The problem, however, is what they think is "best"...isnt the best. What they believe isnt really beneficial for what I am
Plus, I can just...repress these problems for longer...hehe...haha...i can do this...
oblique locust
Plus, I can just...repress these problems for longer...hehe...haha...i can do th...
NO NO DONT EVER DO THAT
urban mortar
Plus, I can just...repress these problems for longer...hehe...haha...i can do th...
Yeah don’t do that
Very bad idea
pastel grotto
NO NO DONT EVER DO THAT
0_0
pastel grotto
Yeah don’t do that
0_0
Anyways, I remembered something. At some point I started pointing out what he does to me, and do you know what he says? "Thats ALL IN THE PAST, WHY CANT YOU FORGIVE AND FORGET" or some absolute bs
pastel grotto
A way to cope with that is to vent here like ur doing rn
...yea...but it felt wrong pouring my feelings, you know? like im making it all about me...
(Which is the point, but still)