I feel like what I need to let go of the most is my masculinity still wanting to be here. I don’t want it, but societal pressures have driven it so far into me it’s hard to release.
Masculinity was always rewarded, it’s shown in the programs I joined trying to be the “manly man” that I didn’t want to be. I did it for a number of reasons, but it was all just trying to be what society wanted me to be. Femininity was always looked down on, or seen as weak. But I don’t want to be weak, but I also don’t want to be the manly man. I wanna be a girl, I wanna embrace the feminine side I’ve never always had, just hidden it due to not wanting to be made fun of. I want to let go of my masculinity but it just won’t go. It stays and sits, trying to get me to go back. But I’m happier like this, I’m happier when I’m more feminine. I don’t want to be a boy, I really don’t. But I need to let go of the things that are restraining and contrasting me to that. I need help freeing myself from the old standards that I held myself by because I wanted to fit in. I need help to be who I want to be. I hoping maybe if I can start HRT it will help with that. But I really don’t know if it will. I’m scared, and uncertain, but I know what I want. I know I need help too. Help being myself.
#Dont really know what to title this
hasty heart
I often find myself saying “you don’t really feel like this, you are just doing this for attention .” But it’s not how I feel, but I keeping thinking it and doubting myself. But I think that just goes back into the needing to let go of old constraints that hold me back from being who I want to be. I know what I want to look like, how I want to dress. But I’m too embarrassed to say it because of the image that part of me is still desperately trying to uphold. But I don’t want to uphold it, I want to drop it. But try and try and try, I can’t. It stays, it refuses to leave. I don’t want it. It makes me think I’m only doing this for attention even though I’m not. I’m doing this because it makes me happy. But whatever it is that makes me feel happy has an opposite, and the opposite says things like I’m only doing this for attention, you don’t really feel like this, you aren’t doing this right (even though there is no right or wrong way to do it.) It also makes me think there are people who are doing this better than me, but the thing is, it’s different for everyone, there is no “my way is the best way!” with this type of stuff. And it always mentions programs I’m in as things keeping me from it, but I do somewhat agree with that one. Even though all it is with it is hair regulations.
And continuing with that, looks. I don’t look like how I want to look. Even with just facial features. I was “blessed” with my father’s jaw structure, making for a very defined and very traditionally masculine face. But I don’t want that, I want softer features. I just don’t feel feminine, I don’t feel how I want to. But asides from growing out my hair, there’s nothing I can do about that. And even with growing out my hair, I still need to abide by USNSCC hair regulations, which for Male (how I’m listed) is very much a male hairstyle and does not help how I feel at all. I could maybe try and get a chit for it though. But I’m not sure how accepting some of my shipmates would be to it.
I have no good ending to this, no way to tie it up into a neat little bow. But that’s because there is no way. I’m not gonna slap a bow on this and say all is well when all is not well, help is needed. But at least I can recognize that.
candid temple
Gender roles huh?
I grew up to people expecting me to act and look a certain way especially when we go out. It went to the point me and my mom would argue about me not wanting to wear dresses and makeup
She honestly just gave up and made me dress and look however I want.
As much as I like looking feminine, I also like looking masculine from time to time
So I can understand how you feel
In my view gender roles are only there to guide you on how you CAN act, but it doesn’t define you
It’s like a small basis on wether or not you like acting and looking certain way