well I’m actually really proud of myself for staying 26 days clean. I haven’t been this clean since January. I still get urges though, and they are not fun. I have been working out and just getting myself out the room to distract myself from the urge and as you can tell it’s been working. But I am quite scared for my next therapy session. my therapist wants to know about a certain even that is really traumatic to me. I am scared because I feel like I’m going to cry when I say it. I know she dosent want to pry and it’s not her job to push trauma from me, but it’s just scary for some reason. I feel guilty for it even when it was not my fault at all.
another thing is, I’m really insucre about myself. like I need to wear baggy shirts to hide my stomach. and I might just be over analyzing but I just feel so ugly. I have been working out and been in a cam deficit and giving up sugars and stuff like that. But still nothing. like how long is this going to fucking take? I get unmotivated cause I’ve only seen a bit of progress since like the first week. It’s only been 1 1/2 weeks since it. but I mean I’ll just keep going.
but aside from that, summer is actually making me feel better about life cause school was just a punch in the brain.
#tw: sh
tepid nacelle
warm frigate
Well, I know venting or just typing a bunch into a journal or here or whatever, can be helpful. So good on doing that, I guess. Probably keeps mind off of things, or stops action somehow. I ramble too much into mine. I made a journal discord server, and make too many walls of text there, hah. Will try not to here.
I guess for the therapy thing. With my therapist, when there’s a subject that I just… can’t talk about. Like, I can’t speak at all, I sorta start trembling.. I tell them that I am too stressed and would much rather be asked multiple choice questions or yes and no, until I somehow feel comfortable enough to give more information. Had that happen two weeks ago. It’s kinda odd, got some words I just can’t say out loud. Even when alone, haha. I don’t cry when saying anything, as I can’t really do that anymore at this point, but definitely makes it harder to speak. Idk. Might be helpful there. I’m laughing a little, I feel like this isn’t helpful advice hah.
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Annnnd I don’t really understand what the second half is about. I’m assuming it’s a workout lingo thing, hah, I haven’t really dedicated to working out since before Covid, as.. well my therapist has helped me realize, that my source of self harm is deprivation and starving myself. Don’t really have energy for working out. I guess I sometimes lift these weights I have when I want to feel terrible after lol
Oh god, that’s another wall of text. doomed
edited it, trying to add that second space, to make three paragraphs, and it didn’t let me :(.
storm pivot
well I’m actually really proud of myself for staying 26 days clean. I haven’t be...
crying isnt a bad thing to be fair its out bodies natural way of showing sadness and it can actually help with relaxing yourself
as for the other thing you wont notice immediate change and you just have to trust that its happening and hell one day youre gonna see that it was all worth it you just have to stay committed
i believe in you girl