lunar fulcrum
TW: suicidal thoughts
||its not that i wanted to live this way, its just that i have to. I've struggled with socialising and making friends ever since i was 8, I would get bullied in school. I have so much trauma from the favouritism and the false accusations that were made against me despite being somewhat innocent. Then I transferred schools, tried making friends, and what i got was rumours about me being a creep because i was trying to befriend the females and not males. I ended up dropping out of school since i was 12 because i just had enough of it. Now all i do is use social media n shit, wasting my life completely. I dont even dare to go out because I was once humiliated at by 2 teenage girls in a bookstore. Now im so insecure about everything about me: the way I talk, how i look, my humour, etc. I've been begging my parents to get me plastic surgery, but they keep refusing as "i dont need it", they just will never understand the pain I've went through.
Once i asked my parents "would you even give a shit if i killed myself?" during an argument, they said "You think i'll feel bad if you scare me?".this feels like an encouragement to kill myself.
Even though I’m just 14, I would sometimes fantasise about having a boyfriend who would let me vent to him, comfort me, hug me, etc. despite this being delusions, it actually makes me feel better somehow. Oh and my parents are so fucking openly homophobic, they seriously told me not to look at the pride flag because it was weird.
I just want to end everything, but im afraid of death, im afraid of pain. Even though I have nothing to lose if i do so, I'm worried about my future, "what if i fix my life one day" is the only thought that's keeping me alive. As an entire year has passed, the thought has died down.
The reason im venting here is because I recently lost my best friend. I dont think any advice can fix my life, but at least i can type out my thoughts and expressions. ||
(ignore bad grammar please)
quaint cobalt
molten tundra
mental rock
thorn jay