I've run out of luck, and I'm not sure if I deserve the name Clover (preferred name, not legal name) anymore. All my life, I feel like I've been lied to because of my family. They've lied about major things in my life, ruined perfect relationships, and my second-oldest sister tried to tear our family apart. I was raised to say yes and do as I'm told, I was told what I like and don't. I wasn't allowed opinions, and I couldn't decide what I wore, if I wanted to take a class that would help me with game design, they'd force me to change it, so I changed them in secret, and I'd get punished for getting grades lower than a ninety. I was named after my dad, who they said was a perfect person. I never truly met him since he died seven days before my first birthday, but I don't believe what they say about anyone anymore. I'm sixteen now, getting close to 17, but I'm scared, their restraints are starting to crack and break, and I'm terrified of them making my last year without true free will a true hell. Everyone says you can't go past rock bottom, so I believed them, but you can, hell isn't a burning realm of the dammned, it's a nightmare molded to the person it houses, nothing but torture, it's not a place, but a thing choosing when to start it's eternal torture and when to release the trapped soul, even if my father is the man they say they are, I'm not but I'm expected to be, I'm expected to be perfect like the man who they say put man who put me in this hell, the one they praise for creating this world. Why am I even writing this? There are people with worse problems than I; I'm just a useless speck of dust in this eternal abyss. I am an enigma to myself. I don't know if I want to be male or female, dominant or submissive, strong or weak. I hate it when I have fun because I know it will end, and the color will fade as I return to the realm of my life. Even with this, I don't want to die, my friends don't deserve to see me go; I must be the one to suffer the loss.
#Who am I?
zenith swallow
zenith swallow
Grandmother, my dad died, birthmom was abusive to my two sisters and left me in the hospital when I was born.
sonic leaf
Mhm
zenith swallow
After a courtcase my grandmother on my dad's side got custody, she's single.
sonic leaf
I guess there’s always at least knowing that no matter how bad they can make it be, it won’t be for much longer.
quick helm
zenith swallow
I don't even know if my adult life will be much better, I have no useful skills, the best thing I can do is 3d modeling and design, even then, I can barely follow a rubric, the system my class uses hated me not even the teacher who's been using the software his entire carrer knows what happens when it breaks, I can just input the simplest command and it breaks.
sonic leaf
I don't even know if my adult life will be much better, I have no useful skills,...
Well there are always other systems.
zenith swallow
I'm terrified of some of the most harmless things, I have a mini panic attack every time I use the oven and I don't know why. I nearly burst out into tears while in a car because I was scared of crashing the only thing stronger was the fear of my mom.
zenith swallow
Well there are always other systems.
I know, my class used Maya the same software they used to make Moana.