what do i do rn

[teal cloak]

hii!

first of all, im not a native english speaker! (im from spain!) you might see a lot of errors lol,
don't mind them! btw, im not totally serious when i talk about me, soo yk

let me explain:

im 17 rn, i'm gay/questioning gender and catholic. my parents are both catholic too (my dad wasn't at all until this weekend, crazy), but they're homophobic or at least i have enough proof to think they're.

sooo everything starts with me questioning.

"omg hes so cute", [ ... ]
yes, i was gay.
time passed by and i also felt like i was aroace (but ig im not)

again, time passed by and well, my overall relationship with my parents was (and it's) nice! but, last summer, they checked on my phone and found a conversation about lgbtqia+ stuff.
my mother got like really angry and publicly confronted me like wth (i was in a pool, she got me like out of the water to talk to me) she even SHOUTED AT ME asking 'are you gay?' (or well, 'ARE YOU GAY?') REALLY ANGRILY. there was also a lot of people looking and im kinda introverted. somehow, idrk how i managed to convince her that day that im cis and straight.

on top of that, most of my irl friends are homophobic or indirectly support homophobic views. im not sure if theyd be supportive if they knew about my feelings, which just makes things harder. i don't have a lot of people who will understand.

i'd also love to express myself online more, but im scared that my parents will find out. soo, im a developer, i have my own website but ig that if i place anything related to lgbtqia+ they'll eventually find out.

so, my sister is a lesbian, so i could come out to her, but id rather not (to? - someone told me natives dont add the to lol). she says a lot of things about me and my other sister that i don't want her saying, and i dont have a lot of trust with this, but shes awesome ngl
my parents know about my sister's feelings and THEY (my parents and sister) were like mad for 4 YEARS. WTH.

i also go to a catholic private school, which is not bad at all (im a catholic), but literally EVERYONE (except 2-6) are homophobic. there was like a rumour that a friend was gay and AN ENTIRE F-ING CLASS TRIED TO PUNCH HIM LIKE WTH ARE WE OKAY?????

so, how can i live without literally ANYONE knowing this?? (well, except some 2 friends theyre both bi; i like one of them :D)
i consider this a really important part of who i am.
and how can i try to come out? (ig not to my parents tho, but with friends or idk)

thanks for reading this entire wall lol and hope someone answers :P

[hoary heath]

Hi Alex!

I am also from Spain, but I will reply to you in English because I have seen that this server does not allow second languages. Otherwise I would reply to you in Spanish.

I had a catholic upbringing too, and although I am much older than you (I am in my 30s) I am still figuring out who I really am, after so many years of brainwashing.
I only told to my best friend, mother and brother about my doubts, and asked them to keep silent. The rest of the family does not know.
I was also afraid of rejection in a very conservative enviroment, that's why I started to reach out to LGBT+ safe spaces and people online.

I have met a supportive group of lesbians and I am slowly allowing to be myself around them, a safe online space away from the close-minded people around me. Perhaps you can also try to find more solid ground online, and once you feel ready enough, come out to the rest of the world. At least that's what I am thinking to do, can't tell you if it is the best choice.
I can see you are still a minor, perhaps you depend financially from your family. Maybe would it be wise to hold it until you can provide for yourself, and then take the risk to expose yourself knowing you can have a backup, a plan B? Like your own financial independence or some supportive friends that might help you in case of big clash with your family and inner circle...

Also, I don't know if you live in a big city or a small town. I know there are some LGBT+ safe spaces in the big areas, with some organizations and activities to attend (although I think they are for a legally adult audience, you have to wait until you are 18 to join them). With a quick research online you can find those organizations and events near your area.

I wish you a lot of luck!

[arctic glade]

I have a very similar experience, and honestly I’m still trying to figure out how to come out to half the people in my life, including my parents.

To start I just connected with some online friends and talked to them about all the different parts of this all (I’m newer to the lgbtqia+ community) and they really helped me and just encouraged me to be myself. I also told some close irl friends and while I though both were homophobic, they eventually still accepted me and I was very happy when they did.

I’ll be coming out to my parents soon (I still haven’t decided on a good time to) and I’ll let you know what I do. They aren’t very homophobic, but they have been a little iffy on the situation whenever I seem to act more gay than the average person XD.

I wish you luck in finding the best way to do this, and never let anyone convince you that you are “wrong” for feeling how you do. You are you, and that’s wonderful.

Have a great day

[teal cloak]

hii! Thanks for your answer, it means a lot to me as I thought that I wrote a lot lol

You managed to come out your family, even if it’s just a few people. I wish I had that luck, as far as I know, my parents and friends are mostly homophobic.

I might start thinking about safe spaces too (ig this server is) :) I might still have to think about coming out to a lot of people.

As for a plan B, I do not have one right now, as I haven’t thought of coming out to my parents. But yes, I depend financially on my family.

I’m from Valencia, so I guess there’s probably some LGBTQ+ safe spaces. I’ll research online and if needed, wait to become a legally adult :)

thanks again for your reply! it was very kind of you :)

omg im writing a lot again

[teal cloak]

heyy! thanks for answering too :)

i’ve just seen your post that you’re coming out to your parents, so congrats and good luck! (i’ll write on your post now :D)

omg the part your friends actually accept you after all? this gives me some hope :) i started connecting with some people online too

wish you all the best coming out to your parents and thanks again for your answer! :)

[snow wedge]

Hello ! I'm half french and half spanish.. form Valencia too xD (well, near there, Alzira, Alberic, Villanueva de castellon... xD)

Anyway, I totally feel the issue you have, and really, it'S very hard. You want to stop lying to everyone, but at the same time you know that is dangerous...

Honestly, the advises to go to some safe spaces first is a great idea. it will give you more mental strength and one day, you could answer to your angry parents "YES I AM GAY !" (Or whatever you are, sorry ^^'). They will be surprised, but careful to the slap after xD

But feel free to talk in here, if you need, or even in DMs, I like to help :3
I'm glad that you are connecting to good people online, it's a very good start !

[hoary heath]

Don't worry about writing a lot, I also do the same. I find very useful any information that can help to get the nuances of the situation.

One correction here: my family has shown signs of homophobia. Just the fact that they (only two people, the rest of them does not know at all) managed to somehow live with my reality does not mean that the conversation was easy, I had to prepare my speech and choose a right moment to have better chances of succeed.

I would say that a civilized way to expose the situation might make them more open to listen, also the techniques of assertive and healthy communication such as "I" statements instead of "you" statements. I don't know if you are familiar with this, but basically instead of saying "You do not accept me, you are hurting me", which feels accusatory, say: "I am confused and afraid, it would mean a lot to me to have your support in this difficult situation". That way they won't get that defensive, and a person with the guard down is more approachable. I don't know how is your family, but with my parents I always had to walk over eggshells because it is very easy that they feel attacked even by constructive criticism or just sharing opinions. Also I chose a day when nothing bad happened and they seemed happy or relaxed, a good mood also predisposes a person to keep a good attitude.

Other thing that I did was unintentionally preparing my mother to my coming out, when I was not refusing to have LGBT+ friends in public. Her witnessing me being comfortable around those people was somehow making her thinking about me as not fitting exactly the box she initially wanted me to fit in. I did it not with huge imposition or speeches, but simply because of day by day actions, meeting my queer friends when I invited them at home, etc. Even before I realized I could love women too, and being in a relationship with my male ex-partner who I loved very much back then. She was not happy with the news, but she said she could expect it.

[lapis oracle]

oo more ppl from spain

[hoary heath]

Are you from Spain too? Maybe you have some useful advices to share!

[lapis oracle]

yeah i am

[teal cloak]

omg im seeing a lot of people from spain here :3

[teal cloak]

ohh hii! soo we live pretty close.. wow

yess, it’s VERY hard. i want to come out to everyone but I feel this would just complicate things a lot: family, friends etc. (why 😭)

i already talked with some irl friends about lgbt indirectly, one said like “huhh” (but like an eww) and i told him that we’re all humans so treat everyone with respect. hes not sus :) (this was some weeks ago) (average response my mind thinks in like a second or two)

im literally waiting for the day i can answer my parents “YES I AM GAY” HAHAH. so, for this i would need either the pope allowing lgbt marriage (prob my parents wont gaf) or just.. wait next year for my 18s and/or not depending financially of them or for them to accept and support

ill be talking here! and ig if someone wants to give me some tips or something anyone can dm me too :)

soo, thanks for answering! i really appreciate it :) i’ll start to look for safe spaces tomorrow (as i couldnt today)

[teal cloak]

okay, ty!

thanks for the correction about your family. ig it’s though for everyone. and the fact that only two people know prob makes it more difficult in your family

okay, so I also think I should prepare a speech or something for when I come out, obviously I’m not just going to spit it out without thinking, that would probably end up worse lol.

so, how do i start preparing my family, my parents?

ohh i forgotten to mention that i have some uncles that arent homophobic, but i would still try to think to come out to them. im kinda introvert, yk?

so, thanks again for your answer! im going to try following your advice and see if I can try to come out in the next year? thanks! :)

[snow wedge]

hehe ! I'm glad if we can help you :3

Like I said, be patient. maybe before the next year you will have an opportunity to talk about that to them, who knows ^^

But yeah, think about yourself, your happiness, and your safety. You can prepare something if that can help you 🙂

For example, when I came out, I wanted to do it on a week end, the sunday evening, before going back to school (I was on an internship xD), like that they had the whole week to deal witht hat news XD

But well, I had no patience and said it the saturday.. morning. So my week end was full of screams, tears and many many questions xD

Sometimes, you can prepare something, and the event is not as planned, at all x)

I wish you good luck ! you can do it ! 😄