#Discovering my sexuality and coming out late in life

6 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

whole heath
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Hi everybody:

English is not my first language but I will do my best.
I am a woman in my 30s. I was raised in a conservative catholic enviroment, so there was not any knowledge or validation about different sexualities, genders, etc. I realized that my own ideas and goals did not match with what I was told, so I took progressive distance from the church and conservative perspectives. I still respect my family and freedom of religious beliefs, but I don't attend to the church anymore.

I ended up falling in love with a lesbian friend, it was a connection strong enough to feel mutual attraction (physical and emotional). The experience was not a phase or an exception, made me question my sexuality (I was convinced I was straight). It was a slow and confusing journey, I am still not sure about how to label myself (I don't know exactly the difference between being pansexual and bisexual), I only know that I am not purely straight, I can have feelings for other woman beyond friendship. I also realized I need time to develop feelings and physical attraction towards somebody else, I only discovered the term "demisexual" recently. I think I fit in that cathegory too, I only wanted to have a relationship and physical contact with 2 people in my entire life and in both cases happened after at least one year of friendship.

I told my doubts to my mother and brother, the more open-minded in my family. I asked them to keep the secret. My friends know about it too, but in the rest of the fields in my life (acquaintances, neighbours, jobs...) I did not come out and they still think I am straight.
I would like to read if somebody here went through similar story. If they decided to tell to the rest of their conservative/religious family. If they decided to come out in all the fields of their life or just the safe spaces. How do I know if I am bisexual, pansexual, or other label (sorry, I am very ignorant about the terminology)?
How did you overcome your doubts and troubles?

clear kiln
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For me, not entirely, although I had a similar story in which I thought I was straight and I found out I wasn't. I am bisexual, I used to be straight and then I kind of had a secret crush on a female friend whilst having male fantasy crushes. I don't come from a religious family, but one side of the family I'm not entirely sure if they're supportive of the LGBTQ+ community, since we're constantly having to use my sister's original pronouns (they are non-binary) except around my grandmother (who is staying with us full time).

I ended up telling my family on my eighteenth birthday, which was when the news that our current president got elected. They were very supportive and open minded.

I'm not coming out publicly just yet. I've only told my family, my grandmother, a forum I'm in, and a few of my friends (one of which I was worried about bc idk if her family is supportive of the LGBTQ+ community).

To answer your question about bisexuality and pansexuality, bisexuality is basically where you don't feel sexually or romantically attracted to just one gender. Pansexuality is where you feel an attraction to someone regardless of their gender.

I'm glad you were able to express your thoughts. I know it's stressful to have to bottle it up - trust me, I'm still uncertain about who I can trust about my sexuality. But I most likely will come out as bisexual publicly, because there's a chance that I will be in the show Love on the Spectrum, which follows autistic people navigating the world of dating. But even if that is not the case, it might be later.

Whether or not you want to come out publicly is your choice. But right now, I'd say keep it to the ones you trust. That's what I'm doign right now.

clear kiln
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For the record, I'm still trying to tell a friend group before I graduate. One of my friends in that friend group runs the Gender Sexuality Alliance in the school, so I don't think it's much of an issue, but we'll see

whole heath
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Thank you very much for your reply @clear kiln !

I am also autistic, I got officially diagnosed before the DSM-V criteria with Asperger Syndrome + High Intelligence. I guess nowadays it is equal to ASD1, I am trying to support all levels of autism equally and not being ableist, that's why I prefer to say autistic instead of Asperger.

I am familiar with the show you mention, although I have not watched it. It would be a great coming out if you don't say much around you and suddenly you show your true self in front of so many people of the audience.
I wish you good luck!

Btw: would it be Ok to you if I ask you for DM communication? Sharing some background and neurodivergency, perhaps we could have some nice chat, support each other...

clear kiln
whole heath
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Thanks! Oh, I forgot to thank you for the explanation about bi and pan, I appreciate it a lot!