I'm just confused about my state of mind

[frosty mesa]

Everyday so far I've always been feeling a cycle of stress, anger or dread without fail for the last, like, 7 years in a row by now.

I know my childhood left me as a traumatized, short-tempered, depressed and confused young man but I still don't understand why I keep feeling like this everyday. Anything trivial like my head hitting a cabinet or me dropping something can set me off on a rant, but I'm usually numb to the important things like my grades declining. It has been a while since my darker days and so far my life hasn't been anything too traumatic yet I can't ever shake off these nagging feelings and they drive me mad.

Does anyone have any advice to help me at least cope with this situation?

[zealous cargo]

to be honest its a common thing that happens with childhood trauma where people just cant shake it off and it drives them crazy and depressed i recommend getting a therapist or maybe speaking out a bit more to people you trust about your childhood so that they can help you cause just with this knowledge we cant really help you cause we dont know what happened in your childhood

[frosty mesa]

ok can I like go a bit in detail on it if you don't mind

[zealous cargo]

Yeh sure go ahead might not be able to give a good answer atm cause I’m at a party but it’s fine

[frosty mesa]

to keep it short I was a weird typa kid so I got relentlessly bullied in middle school, and my parents doesn't do anything so I just suffer throughout those 4 years, now things are stable and normal, and my parents have kind of improved but I'm still paranoid about interacting and making friends with other people my age, and I think I've stopped respecting my parents entirely

and like I know things are different now but I just can't help myself

I can't stop thinking about everything that happened even though it's a done deal

So now I just rot away in my room playing games while being envious about my peers in friend groups and loving relationships

I blame everything, including myself

but I still know even if I blame anything whatsoever nothing will change

[zealous cargo]

That’s called a mental scar it’s a normal thing to get from stuff like this and there’s lots of therapists that know how to deal with these kind of situations just maybe when you get to a therapist you can tell them all this and they’ll hopefully know what to do I wish I was able to do the magic an actual therapist could but I can’t sadly

[frosty mesa]

I hate that and I hate the situation I'm in but I've made peace with it because a part of me thinks it's the consequences of my actions, and salty and hurt as I am I can do nothing but accept it

[zealous cargo]

It’s totally not that way it’s not your fault you got bullied it’s just sad that your parents and school didn’t try to stop it and you couldn’t have don’t anything to make them take action so it’s not even close to your fault

Also when you were getting bullied did you have a couple of actual friends or even just one good friend doesn’t have to be in the same class but if not maybe just while sitting for lunch or smt sit next to someone else get to know them if they bully you walk away go to a toilet or smt and just try again step out of your comfort zone a little I know it sounds hard

[frosty mesa]

also right now I really really want to improve myself for the better

but I just can never get the energy to do anything

the fact that nothing matters in my life is ingrained into my mind and it pulses every day

[frosty mesa]

I had basically no one

had one dear friend but he was also kinda bullied

but that's in the past

[zealous cargo]

Maybe you can link up with them see how they are doing hang out with them even if it’s via online and if you don’t want to do that maybe just step out of your comfort zone and try to make new friends by sitting next to someone and getting to know them if they start bullying you or you don’t feel comfortable about them just go away don’t interact with them again and try again with some other person

[zealous cargo]

Well the first step to that is getting a therapist and speaking to them about your past make sure you feel comfortable with this therapist if you don’t then choose someone else cause you need to be able to trust them

[frosty mesa]

I can't get access to therapists rn, since I'm not financially independent yet (I'm still in college)

and I trust basically no one that speaks my native tongue, I can only comfortably express my problems in English

[frosty mesa]

i unfortunately lost contact with him long ago

[zealous cargo]

Oh that’s sad hm but yeh is there maybe a help line or smt just like someone you can talk to via online that is a therapist so that you don’t have to pay for it and also I totally understand you don’t trust anyone but when you look at someone that’s like sitting alone and looks like a nice person or just a kind person maybe just do the thing I said earlier with them it’s gonna be hard and your gonna be nervous but I think you totally got this

[frosty mesa]

yeah I think I'll try to one day

college people tend to be chiller than high school kids

honestly I'm just terrified of initiating conversations

like when someone talks to me I respond pretty normally but I'm scared as hell to actually approach someone

I'm so scared of messing up and being seen as a joke

[frosty mesa]

thanks for listening though I've been so lonely with my thoughts lately it's driving me mad