wlw problems i guess- i dont know what channel to put this in

[merry basalt]

i think I am WLW? But also idk. the first female person Ive ever liked was when i was 5 -- it wasnt like a big crush tho, just like a normal one. And as i grow older and older i find myself liking women a lot more? And its kind of bad because as this happens, the more 'bad' things I find about homosexuality.

Another thing that confuses me is that im not particularly masculine like a lot of other gay women. im also still pretty young (15). I dont think ive ever properly liked a man, and that confuses me a bit too. I find some men attractive, but i dont think i could ever like them like that or be in a relationship with them. Tbh the type of ppl are like are like pretty girls who are good at socialising/ are extroverted.

Im still closeted. I was kind of 'out' though before middle school. But it wasnt like i talked ab being homo the whole time, it was just like it wasnt a secret. But as i went into middle school, i feel like it now has to be a secret. I was very sad 2 years ago about this and thought that no one would like me and crashed out a lot and cried myself to sleep everynight. I also liked a homophobic girl back then lololol.

I havent told most of my family. Basically just my mum, and it took her a while to process but she says she supports me or smth/ is okay with it. I still think deep down she is a little disappointed though. My little brother, who i think looks up to me, thinks that homosexuality is weird and i havent told him. My dad is catholic/christian. When i think about marrying someone in the future, i get really scared about telling my family.

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Also kids. My dad and my brother are so excited for me to have kids when im older. I frankly dont really want kids and would rather be in a relationship with a women when im older. However, when i think about coming out of the closet, i rlly dont think i can do it. Of course 2 of my close friends know, but sometimes i feel like i should just give up when i grow older and go into a lavendar marriage or smth. But i do have a rlly strong feeling of wanting to have a gf/ wife when im older.

i also have a feeling i may be single forever, which is awful. Sometimes, i have a crush on someone (rarely ever tho, cuz i usually stay w the same one for atleast a year) but they are almost always straight. i have no chances with any of the people i like. And in a time where lots of people my age are getting partners and everything, it makes me feel like im missing out. I also dont really get it when some people my age talk about guys. Its a little isolating.
If things keep going like this, i feel like i will be single forever.

When i am tired or having a bad day, i can sometimes think about myself beinf gay. I get really upset about it and sometimes cry. I really wish that i could talk to someone or have some help with these problems but things like the Trevor Project and stuff aren't available in my country.

Sorry if i didnt get my main point across, or my writing structure was a bit bad.

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