TW ( SH ) - i can't do it anymore

[stoic nacelle]

i just need someone to remind me that it'll all be okay.
i feel as if i'm drowning in sorrow, grief, and dysphoria.
nobody i know will support me for me, i will never be accepted as who i am. i cannot have my own interests or hobbies, i can't be MYSELF. it hurts. i'm insecure and feel like anything i do, anything i eat, anything i say will make everyone leave me. it's like i'm being sucked into a hole, one i can't escape no matter how much i try. i hate leaving my room, i have little friends, and i'm really only here because it would kill my boyfriend if i left. my life is the same thing over and over again. i'm considering telling someone because my arms are tired of being hurt. i can't hide it that well, my dress code is too strict. but i don't want to lose credit. i've felt like this before, and i hate that i'm back in the same state. my life is consumed by anxiety and fear, i can't think properly anymore. i wish i didn't have a boyfriend sometimes, just so i could have zero responsibilities. i've been giving 'hints,' to the teacher i want to tell. sort of jokes, but hinting at the fact that no, i might not be okay. i don't have the courage to tell him. i'm really, really scared, but i need the help as my antidepressants and antianxiety meds are not working properly.
i don't want to leave, but i do at the same time.
it's selfish.
i know who i want to tell. the question is, how, or when, do i do so?

PLEASE ASK TO DM IF YOU WANT TO. there is a high chance i may say no. i want your advice, but i may not be comfortable with dming someone specifically because of PAST experiences.
thank you

[stuck smelt]

First thing, as much as I want to tell you it’ll be ok, I don’t want to lie about it. It will be ok… EVENTUALLY but the struggle to get there is as you are already aware, very difficult. With that in mind, at least there’s the eventually. The same cannot be said when you end it. Ending it is saying you are always going to be miserable, not a result of it. As long as you live, there is the chance for things to get better, but if you end it is, things will have only ever been like they are now, horrible and miserable. 1% may be small, but it’s infinitely bigger than 0%.

[hot birch]

Are there more past experiences that might have started the whole having people deny you for you hobbies and eating problems or did that just develop with the rest also a good therapist that fits your problems will probably help and idk what country your in and what friends you have but maybe you can move out to some place nicer and just meet some new friends even if it’s just online meeting new good supportive friends will help you alot Is my geuss stay safe good luck to you and I’m proud you told this to this community I’d like to know who you are trying to explain it to and how they are with other stuff so that I can maybe help make a message for you to explain yourself to those people dms are open