uhh selfharm warning selfharm warninggggg

[neon stag]

||When I start wearing bathing suits and stuff my stomach and some chest scars are going to show, which my family does not know AT ALL that I've been cutting on my stomach, nor my chest. I can't hide them forever because it's gonna get annoying after awhile. But it's just scary cuz idk if they're gonna take away my razors that I use to shave💔 and I need those cuz I NEED TO SHAVE!!!!!||💔💔💔💔💔

[fiery iron]

Are you still activly harming yourself?

[neon stag]

Yes but i will have to get clean when it starts warming up cuz I don't wanna wear a whole scuba diving suit 😭

Once I get clean and everything scars that's when I plan on letting them show but I don't want my family to know till I'm clean again lol

[fiery iron]

I'm just gonna come out and say it. If you are actively harming yourself, they should take your razors.

[neon stag]

That's why I gotta get clean before telling them so they DON'T take my razors.

[stiff gust]

there are also other ways then sh, i can look some up for you :3

[neon stag]

I plan on getting clean and tossing them soon, I just don't want them taking them DURING SUMMER when I've got to go swimming

[neon stag]

Yes pls😭

Just no ice things I've tried that and it sucks

[stiff gust]

i have a new mission now uwu

i know one where you can take a band and put it on your wrist and flinch that ( the only one i know from my head)

[neon stag]

This may sound crazy, but I don't want them to control my healing journey. I want to be able to stop this on my own and show that I am capable of healing without being treated like a dog. Which I've been getting stuff taken from me for 2 years now so I'm kinda sick of them having to help me, I wanna do this on my own and not look miserable

[neon stag]

Ill try that, I'll just do it on my stomach cuz that's where I do my cuts😭

[stiff gust]

i journal could help, like, first thing first you cpature your thought while there still there, i know that it helped/helps me often times becouse it gives me a porpurse ofr a moment and lets me calm down a bit

[neon stag]

Thank you so much twin you are fucking awesome

[stiff gust]

i also made for a while like a calander where i see where i sh and kinda made it into a game for my gamer brain what made me even want to less sh :3

[stiff gust]

always here for ya <3

i dont even find much stuff what todo instead of sh, and the stuff that is there i whoudent even do myself (alot of ice TwT)

[fiery iron]

I've been asking this of others out of curiosity so I'm gonna ask here as well. What would you say drives you to do self harm? What feeling do you get from it?

[neon stag]

Me too, it's definitely hard to find alternatives after trying so many things.

[stiff gust]

it calms, but it can be different for other people

[fiery iron]

What would you say is calming about the pain?

[stiff gust]

i would say, its maby distracting?, and gives me a new porpuse, cleaning my bl up from my arm to not ruin my bed sheets TwT (aka makes me forgot why i did it, what caused me the stress)

[neon stag]

It varies for me since I do it so much. Either it can be because of being triggered, upset, self-hatred, or just wanting to do it

[fiery iron]

huh, interesting...

[neon stag]

Most of the times nowadays it's just bc I want to do it, I wanna bleed, I want to feel that familiar feeling of the blade and the blood

[stiff gust]

its interisting why other sh

[fiery iron]

Does it draw you back to a memory?

[neon stag]

No, not really. I'm just addicted to the feeling and it's grown into a habit. 4 months straight

[stiff gust]

darn, must be then hard to stop

[fiery iron]

I guess I still struggle a bit. What is the feeling, is it just pain or is there something else?

[neon stag]

Its pain, but also a weird... Satisfaction from it. It makes me feel like I got what I deserved, like I deserve to bleed because of how much I've done wrong in my life

When my skin opens, it's like cutting a rope that's holding me hostage. A loss of tension, my mind going blank, and my focus on one thing and that's the blade

[fiery iron]

But what have you done wrong would you say that makes you deserving of it?

[neon stag]

A lot of things, I don't wanna say too much cuz it might sound edgy but definitely one of the things is existing. Because I've got a big sister who's raised me and my brother all our lives and she wasted her youth to raise us. I've felt like a burden for so long, the thoughts don't stop no matter how much she tells me she doesn't see us as a burden

I feel like my existence is useless and I am simply just a dead dandelion in a field of alive ones

[fiery iron]

That was her choice, not yours.

[fiery iron]

No one's existance has purpose. We're all just a a coincidence of million years of biological evolution.

No one has a purpose, you don't need one to justify to others your existance.

[neon stag]

I still feel like shit because I've bothered her so much within the past 5 years bc of my own struggles. I tried to kill myself twice and both times I was only worried about my sister, worried that she would be sad or scared.

[fiery iron]

That you're worried she would feel that way shows something important, that at the end of the day she does care for you. Even if sometimes it seems like otherwise.

[neon stag]

and she's had to help me clean my room a lot of times, she's had to deal with my anger and mood swings, my therapy

[neon stag]

I know she cares, but sometimes I wish she didn't because that puts more on her shoulders to think about. If im going to hurt myself or not, if I'm going to have a mood swing or not

[stiff gust]

i have to say, what ever burden you might feel, there are also good moments, like, when you whoudent have been there, woudent it all have been more empty?and whats with the moment she had fun taking care of you? (and im not sure if you two are good, but when you are then, there are always good moments that many woudent want to change. EDIT: sooo, i read the rest that i didn't read before because i was writing, it looks like she cares for you a lot, but I'm sure she would be very happy when she would know what you do here, asking how to get better, its a big step, and that even alone :3) (sorry when its wierd TwT)

[neon stag]

Sorry I'm yapping, I'mma take a pause rq

[fiery iron]

Caring means willingly accepting the burden of another for the love of that being. If there's no burden to carry, that doesn't even count as caring. It means not only wanting to take the weight off another's chest, but also that one finds satisfaction in your improvement. She wants to take that weight, if anything, you do a disservice by keeping it from her.

[heavy pilot]

I did it when I was emotionally overwhelmed, when I just couldn't handle the feelings in my head and I had to do something

[heavy pilot]

I also feel like this!

[heavy pilot]

and yes, reaching out for help is a massive step! Seriously! I suffered alone with self-harm for months and it just drew me further and further into depression and hopelessness. And it is so so hard to tell people about it, I know that from experience. You should be incredibly proud of yourself for getting this far.

I also suffered (and still do) with guilt about depending on other people so much, despite being an adult when all of this happened for me. And I know it's incredibly hard to be open about it, even when other people know in general. It can feel like something you should be able to handle, and so you keep it secret. Admitting that you SH, even to people that know about your struggles, can be so incredibly challenging, and so vulnerable. But it also can be life changing. It was for me.

cause SH is really hard to get over, the only way I was able to was in the hospital, and afterwards by having all the knives removed from my place. And it felt awful to have that happen, it felt like I was loosing control, like I was being treated like a kid. But it got better. You should not feel shame in needing help to get over this, and you should also not feel shame in wanting to hide this either! Almost everyone I've ever met who has done it has hidden their SH.

on a less somber note, I would recommend looking into electric shavers if you haven't already. They're completely safe, and also are easier to use in many cases, and less likely to cause accidental cuts or irritation.

[neon stag]

I relapsed

Sighhhhh...

Big fart for me I hate it here