#[TW: SH] Relapsing

41 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

midnight compass
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Help, I am trying so hard but the urges are so hard to resist. I need to see blood. Please help. I don’t know what to do…

peak grotto
midnight compass
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Thanks, sorry for making you respond this late. I didn’t know what else to do… sorry.

peak grotto
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its not a problem, honestly. im always up late and im glad i can at least offer something

midnight compass
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Ok, sorry.

peak grotto
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its really fine i promise

midnight compass
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You sure. It may just be me, but it feels like everyone/everything is mad at me. Looking down. Just wanting me to shut up and keep to myself… just wanting me gone. I.. I just do know how to continue in a world where the people that I need most, the people that are supposed to care for me, aren’t supportive, or the governing bodies want me dead, in jail, where I can’t be around/hurt anyone else. Everyone wants me gone… I don’t see many reasons to go. I keep weighing the pros and cons, and there are so few people keeping me here, really only 2, and one is on an operating table today, because of a reinjury that I helped cause. I deserve this…

peak grotto
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i can very much assure you you've done nothing to be mad or nor unwanted
just the short while ive known you youre a really solid person that id really like to get to know better and be friends with
i understand the fear and hopelessness and loneliness though

midnight compass
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Sorry, I’m being too much…

peak grotto
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youre totally fine, its hard to manage your thoughts and feelings when your brain is going haywire

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youre not alone in that

midnight compass
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I just want to be in control for once. Understand my emotions, what they mean… I just want to be me.

peak grotto
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god eugh i get that so badly, its horrific trying to figure out what youre feeling or sometimes even thinking

twilit relic
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Don't assume you've done anything wrong but I'll be adding a trigger warning to the title of the post!

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[TW: SH] Relapsing

midnight compass
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Yea, I, I just need my stupid brain to shut up. I need to be normal. I am not good enough for everything that I have. Why do I get good things when I am such a bad person. And when I try to be a good person, I get shit on. I don’t know what I can do anymore. I.. it would be so much easier to give up. I don’t want to because it will hurt others, but I don’t see a way out of my issues. I am in too deep…

midnight compass
peak grotto
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i know i cant speak for much, but if its any consolation, you are not even slightly a bad person from what ive experienced. mistakes and accidents happen, and no bad person thinks theyre bad btw. no bad person feels bad for hurting others even if on accident. good people tend to be the ones who doubt themselves the most honestly

midnight compass
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I know my meds aren’t working but my parents are against changing them because “meds don’t solve anything” I wish I could tell them to stfu and therepy doesn’t work because I am scared to even think about any of my trauma… let alone relive it. The people that I know that are no longer in this world wanted to be here. Why couldn’t it have been me taken. I wanted it. It should have been me, instead it was an innocent 11 year old with a rare and unknown heart condition. Or a friend who talked me off a ledge before only to take their own life later. I missed so many signs. I could have spoke up, said smth, done somthing. But I didn’t. That among so much else is why I am a bad person. Everyone is right. I am a bad person who needs to be removed from society…

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I can’t pretend I am ok with this anymore, I just want people to know I’m not ok, but I can’t be not ok because “my hospital admissions are hard on everyone” and “every time you go to the hospital, you are breaking this family apart”.

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I don’t even know what I could do to redeem myself anymore.

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Sorry. I have so many emotions and I don’t know where to put them…

peak grotto
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i get it

anyone telling you youre bad for struggling and needing help or not seeing the signs is an asshole who needs to learn what being a human is like.
it is not your fault you didnt see the signs as most people feel the need to hide that kinda stuff to begin with. its not always this obvious thing that you can catch onto, let alone help or fix if you did manage to catch it. that is not on you no matter how much you think it is
and if your family is calling you a burden and ruining things, thats them and their inability to show compassion to their struggling loved one. theyre shit for that

midnight compass
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I just can’t see how it isn’t my fault, it’s my emotions causing this. It’s my disorders. No one else in my family has stuff like me. I am the one who started it, and I am the one stuck with the burden of knowing that my family will never be the same because of me. Sure, my mom can never be wrong and I know she can be a narcissist but she is right abt some things. And what if tearing apart the family is one… or that she really does know me better than I know myself, maybe she is right. Maybe I am just faking it all.

peak grotto
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mental illness isnt something you can control outside of treatment
so if anything its their fault for not helping you treat it

midnight compass
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Even though so many people say what you say, my brain won’t let me think that way. And hasn’t since I was 7. It’s just the way I was programmed, it’s my fault that I didn’t fix it earlier

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Now I have to live with it

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Or just… not.

peak grotto
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i would highly suggest contacting a hotline
i wish i could help and i really wish you the best

midnight compass
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I wish I could, but my parents would see that (this is a secret discord acct) and I would get in trouble if I did..

peak grotto
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your family suck :/ im sorry, things are so hard

midnight compass
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I’m sorry. I don’t know how I can be fixed.

midnight compass
peak grotto
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you didnt drag me into anything. and you dont deserve that but i get that doesnt have a lot of meaning right now

please do at least take care of yourself the best you can

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if thats something like watching a comfort show and eating a favorite snack then thats enough

midnight compass
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Ok, I will try. Sorry…

peak grotto
midnight compass
twilit relic
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Hey, I understand your points and I know the dreadful feeling of having an absolutely horrendous family to live around. And I also understand that it’s hard to accept that, while it seems you’re the issue, you’re truly not. There is families where the general consensus is just flat out wrong, and I can tell you from the short time that I do know you, you’re not at fault when it comes to your family but the result of it being the way it is is you feeling the way that you do.

I understand how hard it is to keep ||SH|| in check while you feel like everything around you is out of your own control. Please understand that these types of coping mechanisms are nothing but addictive and extremely damaging long term. And while it may seem to you that this is exactly what you deserve, it is not.

I truly do hope your therapist garners your trust at some point and you can open up to them. Please call a hotline or at least do something you consider distracting enough from these thoughts. You’re valued, extremely nice and fun to be around. Please stay safe.

midnight compass
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I will do my best. Unfortunately, back to day 0…

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I know relapse is a part of recovery, but it feels so bad. At the same time (even if it’s temporary) I feel better after. Does that make me a bad person. I feel better after being in pain. Idk, but I will get through another night ig. Just restarting the sober app