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Reason: Posting Walls Of Text
#I feel terrible. I hate myself.
ruby fiberBOT
valid pine
...
Hello.
Some people could call this an update to what I talked about yesterday in #1184736502605938788, but this is a way different & worse situation for me..
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I came to school again today. First lesson went on without a hitch. Second lesson, PE. Came up to one of my really close friends to talk, but instead the only reply I got was him running away. So I come up to another close friend, ask "what the hell is going on?", and get told that SHE (the girl from yesterday) decided TO OUT ME. SHE OUTED ME TO ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS! AND TURNS OUT SHE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT "ASEXUALITY" MEANT! SO SHE INSTEAD TOLD HIM THAT I'M TRANS! So, now every time I even get close to him he calls me a slur and tells me that I should be exorcised. And I don't want her to out me to anyone else in my class (they have really.. strong opinions about LGBTQIA+ in general), but who knows what she will do..
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My self-esteem has already been falling for 2 years now. But that caused it to take a dip. A really big dip. A really really big dip.
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I hate myself. I hate how I look. I hate how I speak. I hate how I act. I hate how I can't relate to practically anyone in my surroundings. I hate how I'm just so different from others in every possible way. I hate how I only really have one real friend. I hate how I can't go to that friend's house and break down next to him. I hate how I'm so emotional. I hate how I have to keep my feelings in. I hate how I can't just break down and get comforted by anyone for that matter. I hate how my parents both insult each other when I'm with one of them. I hate how I'm probably the root cause of my parents' divorce. I hate how if I asked my parents if I could get checked for any disorders then I would just get told to stop being delusional. I hate how I'm always expected to be the best in everything. I hate how I can't have anything resembling a normal life. I simply hate myself.
-- inf.
valid pine
...I don't want to live in a country which the ILGA has rated worst in the European Union for 4 years in a row now. I don't want to live in a city which was once an LGBT-free zone. I don't want to live in a city which would still be an LGBT-free zone if not for the fact the EU would stop funding stuff if it continued to be one. I don't want to live in a city which's councilors willingly made the city an LGBT-free zone. I don't want to go to a school in which I already couldn't be myself before I came out. I don't want to live in Poland, as good as it may sound. I want to be somewhere where I can express myself freely, that's what we all want..
-- inf
barren scroll
I hate myself. I hate how I look. I hate how I speak. I hate how I act. I hate h...
Oh wow wow there, that girl isn't your friend. That boy also isn't your friend. Friends don't fucking tell them to get to hell or call them monsters like what the actual Fuck?
I hate myself too, but you know what? I know what that fuckin god wants from me, he wants to kll my fucking self, that's why he fucks with me, that's why he gave me a fucking ass life. But I ain't giving that motherfcker that satisfaction so you shouldn't too. Everything pasts eventually, you should move on even in the worst, even when sky falls down. A fucking normal life? Ain't nobody has that shit. I don't know what people think as normal life but it ain't fucking exists, and it isn't bad either.
So I don't know who the Fuck said that there's such as thing as normal life that's a fucking ass lie to make people feel bad. A part of our fucked up society.
They don't want to be with you because of your sexuality and insult you? Fuck them. It's their lose, in the end of the day, only real friends stay anyway, you should lose the fake ones while you can.
I might lose a bit, sorry lol
This topic makes me a bit mad
valid pine
"im gonna bring a crucifix for u tomorrow"
"why are u an asexualist?" (asexualist said like communist, socialist, etc..)
"i would be embarrassed if i were u"
those were some things she said to me today. its gonna be hard but after 9 years i need to cut contact with her. for my own good and wellbeing.
i've calmed down a bit compared to yesterday. at least not on a verge of breaking down anymore..
thanks for the support.
valid pine
Oh wow wow there, that girl isn't your friend. That boy also isn't your friend. ...
thanks pyschi.
you don't know how much that means to me, all of that advice..
sorry if i was being a bit insensitive yesterday. emotions and everything just made me go all out and vent my heart out. sorry about that