Today was a day like any other in Bells Canyon. I was outside my tent at sunrise sizzling some bacon shirtless with my dog Baloney awaiting the arrival of her best friend Lungy. As the grease spattered it added a sense of masochistic charm, a perfect start for the day planned ahead.
Suddenly, Baloney came running out of the woods with a look of dread written on her face. That's when she said "Longie nelkah al yedi Misho! Hoa anation let widtoricn machiwen smisho for beshm Mr. B heafes at Kanyon Eageonigae!" Which of course is Hebrew for "Lungy has been taken by someone! He started giving directions since someone named Mr. B was looking for bells canyon!" As she handed me what appeared to be a phone number.
The three of us were planning to go to a Darius Rucker concert in the woods that day to request "only wanna be with you." From when his music was actually good. But these plans would need to wait. So I called that number, a deep voice answered "This is Mr. Big."
I took a deep breath and began to tell him although I don't know who he is I have a very specialized set of skills that will help me get ol Lungy back.
In a very distinct moment everything went quiet and the temperature dropped. Then suddenly there were wispers coming from the forest all around us.
#Disturbing The Sound Of Silence
pallid epoch
Something strange was happening but I couldn't quite pinpoint what it was. I only knew there was something, or someone lurking about. The now unattended bacon had erupted into a grease fire. Acting on instinct I pulled the bacon from the pan and dumped the grease into the fire. As the flames erupted the wispers grew nearer. Shielding myself from the heat I saw in the distance what appeared to be a man deep inside the woods. "That's our guy," I thought as I clenched my lockblade in one hand and bear spray in the other.
Seeing me take notice the figure stopped, then screeched a horrible whistling noise that pierced our eardrums with such intensity. Suddenly it heaved a Boulder at us with such strength we had to jump to the side. When we got back to our feet the figure had vanished.
As we ventured to the spot where that thing was lurking we saw a huge footprint. It appeared to be a bare human foot but it was atleast 2 feet long, ruling out Manbearpig. In the middle of that footprint we saw Lungy lying there lifeless. The look of sorrow in Baloney's sweet eyes told me I had to act fast. I started performing frog CPR. Just as it seemed like it was too late, Lungy started breathing again. Forget that stupid concert. We needed to get the hell out of here. So we packed and left Bells Canyon. To this day we still don't know who Mr. Big was, but we know this much. He was trouble...
For the record, my dogs name really is Baloney Bear, that is not fake